Just Be Patient (Urban Story)

Chapter 60: Rocky Road

"Okay honey lay back for me" Dr. Adams said to me as I sat on the table drained. I wish it was all a dream but I was living out a nightmare that never seemed to end. Jason got home as soon as he could and rushed me to the hospital. His mother came and got the kids from the hospital cause we didn't have time to wait.
"Doc can you tell us what's the problem. I mean this the second time this happened" an anxious Jason said holding my hand. He stayed calm for me but i knew he was just as scared as I was.
"Well Jason it's rare for someone your age to just miscarry back to back. Especially when you have 2 other babies that are still young" she said examining me. At this point all I wanted to do was go home, take a shower and sleep. That's it. I didn't wanna talk to anybody.
"Hue are you still in any pain" she said as I faced my head to the wall the whole time. I was zoned out.
"No" I said quietly. I had nothing to say.
"Okay sweetie. I know your body is very worn out and exhausted. So when you get home relax okay" she said to me as I just nodded my head.
"Does she need any medication or can she take the ones we have at home from last time" Jason said as I sat up and got dressed.
"She can finish that off and I'll give her a refill just incase her pain is increasing." She answered as I sat there. "Hue do you have any questions for me" she said putting her hand on my shoulder. Dr. Adams was an amazing doctor and she delivered Harley and Haley. She was there thru both my pregnancies and I she knew how important pregnancy was for me.
"No." I said with my head down as I she smiled at me.
"Okay if you do just call me. Anytime honey. Feel better" she said getting ready to leave.
"Take good care of her Jason. She needs you the most. I know it's not easy on neither of you but be her rock" she said giving him a hug. He always did anything she said because he was so grateful that she helped us conceive And get pregnant in the first place.
"I definitely will. Thanks" he said as she left. I was ready to go.
"Let me help you down beautiful" Jason said grabbing my hands as I stepped off the table. I so many emotions running through my head. I needed to sleep. He helped me to the car as he strapped me in my self belt. He ran to the drivers side as he started to car and drove off.
"You warm enough" he said with his eyes on the road.
"Yes" I said in a low voice. I didn't care if the heat was on 1000. My mind was wrecked.
"You hungry baby. We can stop at your favorite place get you something" he said at a red light turning to look at me.
"I'm not hungry J" I said looking out the window. I didn't wanna eat a thing. I felt so bad.
"Aight." He got quiet as we waited for the light to change. "Do you need anything before we get home. Just tell me and I'll get it baby" he said rubbing my thigh.
"No baby" I just wanted to be home. In own space. In my own bed. Not anywhere else. We got home as he piled into the drive way. I opened my door as he ran to my side.
"Beautiful I was coming. I can carry you if you want me too" he said as I got out the car carefully. The pain was still there.
"I'll walk J" I said putting one foot in front of the other. It took everything inside of me to get inside and climb each step. I reached the top as I walked to the room. It was blood on the rug and my bed was a mess.
"Jason can you hand me the cleaner for the rug" I said keeping myself together as I knelt on the floor.
"Baby I'll clean it up. You don't need to be doing that" he said with the cleaner and sponge in his hand.
"No I can do it. I'll clean this and fix the bed when I'm done" I took it out his hands as I sprayed it onto the blood spot and scrubbed. I had to get rid of that stain quick. Jason stood there confused watching me.
"I'll make the bed baby. But let me bathe you first. I know you tired" he said helping me up. I didn't like him having to do all the work for me. I could still do things myself.
"No I'm fine J. I can give myself a bath" I said walking into the bathroom. I had to be very careful. My body was so weak.
"I know you can beautiful but Imma do it tonight for you okay. Let me undress you. I'll make it quick baby" he took my clothes off my body than he helped me in the tub. He rinsed me off as he soaped up my wash cloth. He washed my entire body as I stood there. How I felt right now was shock. Hurt. Pain. Scared. Everything was hitting me at once. He rinsed me off completely as he held my towel up for me for me to step into. He lotioned me up as I sat quietly.
"You want to wear a shirt or a tank top beautiful" he asked going to my draw
"Don't matter" I replied back. Nothing mattered to me at this point. He pulled out a t-shirt walking back over to me.
"Lift your hands baby" he said as out my hands up weakly. He pulled it over my head as he fixed it on me. He grabbed my hair brush standing in front of me.
"I know I don't know shit about hair but Imma try" he said before he brushed my wild hair into a lose ponytail. It barley stayed up but it was done.
"Imma change the sheets and get you a new blanket. Give me 5 mins beautiful" he said to me running off to get the bedding. I sat on the chair in our room as he moved quickly around the room getting the bed together. He threw on a new comforter as he fixed the pillows.
"I know you sleepy baby. Come on" he assisted me into the bed as I slid in making myself comfortable. I got under the sheets as he covered me completely.
"Are you comfortable? Do you need more pillows or more blankets" he said sitting next to me.
"No thank you J" I said to him as he nodded his head.
"Aight. Ummm... Imma go shower. I won't be long. Just call me if you need me okay" he said to me as I shook my head yes. I had no more energy left. I was devastated and confused. I was a good person and why did God take 2 of my babies from me. I thought I was a good mother. Why couldn't I have my babies. This was so hurtful.
Jason gave me a kiss and than going to the bathroom to shower. Soon as he shut the door I broke.
"Omg why me" I cried trying to be as quiet as I can. I didn't want Jason to see me lose my mind. I held it in the whole time.
"I want my babies. I want my babies" I sobbed holding my stomach. I couldn't understand this one bit. The week after I found out I was pregnant I actually started to get excited. I even thought about genders. Wishful thinking huh.
I laid in bed crying my heart out. Out of all the messed up stuff that occurred in my life this was the hardest to deal with. Losing not one but 2 babies kilt me. Especially with this happening so close together. I was only one person. How much shit could I take.
I wiped my ears as I heard Jains come out the bathroom. I turned on my side as he came in the room to get dress for bed. I didn't know what to even say to him besides sorry again. He turned the light off as he got in behind me. He moved closer to me wrapping his arms around me as I let my tears fall.
"I love you beautiful. I feel so bad this happened again. It's not pose to be like this" he whispered to me as I let my cries out. I was beyond hurt.
"They was mines Jason. Mines" I said turning around burying my face in his bare chest.
"I know beautiful. I know they were" he said kissing my forehead over and over.
"Why does everything bad happen to me. I have a good heart" I said losing my breath.
"We never know why beautiful. But your such a great person. Your so strong baby. You handle any situation. Everybody can't do that" he said rocking me in his arms. I just cried and cried. There was no explanation for this.
"I don't wanna try anymore J. We're not having anymore children. I'm done. I'm done" I said to him seriously. This was not going to happen a third time. Absolutely not. We tried and it back fired twice.
"Baby whatever you say I'll do. I can't see you in any more pain" he said holding me tight. This was the worst night of my life
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A couple days passed since the night from hell and I was feeling better physically but mentally I was still dazed.
"Mommy is very sick so we have to be very careful okay daddy's princesses" Jason said to Haley and Harley who were very excited to see me in the outside of the door. They stayed at his mother house for a couple days. I didn't call or even check on them. I stayed in my bed for days. I heard the door open as Harley ran up and climbed on the bed.
"I miss you ma ma lots" she said smiling at me. Jason sat a very anxious Haley on the bed as she crawled full speed to me. She jumped on me as she got so hyped. Seeing them made me feel better and bad at the same time. I was neglecting them because of all this. They didn't deserve half of me. I hated that I couldn't tell them and they understand but I had to snap out of it for their sake. They needed me more than I needed them.
"Mommy missed you guys so much." I kiss d them both over and over. Going from Haley's lips to Harley's.
"Ma ma sick" Harley said putting her tiny hands on my forehead I did that to her and her sister when they weren't feeling well.
"Yes angel. Mommy hasn't been herself lately" I said as she stared at me.
"What wrong ma ma. Me kiss it" she said mocking me. I always told her a kiss can heal anything.
"Awwwww angel mommy's belly is sick." I said as she lifted up my shirt
"Baby ma ma" she said rubbing it. It was still kinda had a bump to it and the medication me gaining weight also. I was so embarrassed of my body right now.
"No angel there is nothing in there. Baby went bye bye" I said trying my hardest not to cry.
"Baby gone? " she said so innocently. She was very smart for her age and I never lied to her
"Yes angel no more baby" I said as Jason watched us.
"Where baby go? Da da get baby" she said as I sighed. This was so hard. I pulled her closer to me as I stroked her hair.
"Harley the baby is in heaven now. Remember mommy told you when you go to sleep forever you go to heaven with God. The baby is an angel just like you." I said as simple as I could. Having this talk was so surreal.
"Baby sleepin ma ma" she asked with her hands on my stomach
"Yes angel. They sleeping baby. They love you very much though. And guess what. They goin watch over you and your sister all the time. They watching us now from heaven" I said as she gasped waving her hands in the air.
"I say hi to baby ma ma" she said as a long tear rolled down my cheek. I think she understood me alittle bit.
"That's sweet angel. Mommy is happy you did that" I kissed her little face as I see Jason wipe his eyes. I knew it was not easy on him. We both a hard time getting over this.
"Okay princess daddy goin take you to get ice cream. Go play" he said picking her up letting her go to her room.
Haley was out and snoring as Jason placed her in the bassinet.
"Imma take her to get some ice cream. I was hoping you would wanna come. Just to get out the house" he said as I was super against it.
"Maybe another time J. I'll stay and watch Haley." I said as he sat close to me
"She can come too. I know they miss spending time with you" he said fumbling with his hands. I wasn't ready to even leave my bedroom.
"I know but I'm not ready to go anywhere. They can still have fun with you" I said laying back down. I was losing myself
"They might but who am I going to have fun with." He said as I felt bad.
"Jason I'm sorry. I'm being a terrible wife and mother. Im trying to be strong but idk how to get me back. I'm worn out. I'm tired baby" I said honestly. This was getting the best of me and no matter how many times I told myself I would be okay I felt so bad.
"Your not a bad mother or wife beautiful. You just going through a hard time. I don't mean to pressure you to go anywhere or do anything you not ready to. Imma just give you time" he looked defeated as he sat there.
"Okay" I didn't have anything to say anymore. I was shutting down.
"Well Imma get ready to go and take her before it gets late. I'll bring you back something if you want" he said grabbing his keys.
"I don't want anything J. Thank you" all I did was sleep lately. I was miserable in my own body. I barely ate and I was border line depressed. I knew I had to get my old self back but I didn't know how.
"Oh ok. Before I leave Imma give you your medicine" he looked at his watch seeing the time. I took my glass of water as he handed me a pill. I swallowed it as I drank my water. He watched me the entire time.
"Aight then. You got your pill so we don't got to worry about another till later on tonight" he said closing the cap. I was I glad he helped me.
"Thanks" I said placing my glass on the nightstand. He walked to leave but he stopped standing in one spot for a minute before facing me.
"Beautiful is it okay if I kissed you. I know you wasn't really feeling it the other day but it's cool if you not there yet. Just though I should ask" he said nervously. I didn't want us to do anything including kiss cause I felt like I didn't deserve to be kissed or loved on. I felt like an outcast.
"Jason" I said softly as he smiled at me slightly
"Nah it's cool its cool. I'm not mad or anything. Imma just go" he said walking out. I knew I was hurting his heart but I was scared. This situation scared me and made me feel like I was cursed. This was not our relationship. My marriage was on hold because I couldn't carry our babies. I lost myself and I had trouble trying to find me and in result of that I didn't let my husband near me. I was hurt. He was hurt but I couldn't fix him. Not this time. I was unsure how to fix myself. Everyday it was a different me and I was fed up. I had to turn my life back around. I got myself out of plenty shitty situations before and this time was no different. I had to do this for me. My babies and my Jason. This depressing phase was going to over real soon. I got up slowly out the bed as I got on my knees to pray. This hand to be done.
"Dear Heavenly Father please help me........." I went on having a much needed over due conversation with God. This Always got me through.