He kissed me before he began to kiss my neck and jaw. I hope that he understood that I don't want to yet, that I wanted to wait. I was nervous to tell him. "Are you gonna tell me what the nurse said?" I sighed, "she told me that it was possible but it wouldn't be the same. She said if it was my first time then I should wait so that's what I'm gonna go" his lips pulled away but he didn't lift his head. "Are you mad?" His head moved back infront of mine and he smiled. "Of course not baby, its your choice. I'm perfectly okay with waiting" I smiled. "Really?" He nodded, "I want the day to be perfect, when you're ready and I have everything planned out" "planned out?" He nodded.
"I'm gonna set up everything, the way you want it to be. It's gonna be perfect" he smiled. "What if I get scared?" I asked, "don't be worried about it, it's gonna go great I promise" I sighed. "What if it hurts too much? Or what if I mess it all up by being scared?" He pecked my forehead "don't be scared, I'm gonna take care of you" I smiled, "tell me how you've always wanted it to be" he said. "I wanted to finally do it after marriage, and I imagined it to be at the honeymoon with candles, and flowers and a comfortable bed. I wanted to be calm and comfortable with the person I married afterwards. I dreamed that we would be alone and on vacation and no have to worry about anything"
"Do you want to wait until the future? When ever we're older?" I sighed, that sounds best but who knows how long that would be or if we would even stay together that long. "You think that we'll get married in the future?" I asked him, "I couldn't see me being with anyone else but you, I know we'll have a long future together" he said as he smiled. I couldn't help but smile myself, nobody has even said anything like this before to me. "I don't want to wait until marriage" I said, even though that's what I always imagined it would be.
"Are you sure?" I nodded "can we go upstairs and talk about everything?" He grabbed my hand and nodded and we walked up the stairs. I got on the bed and laid on my stomach and he did the same. I grabbed the remote and turned on Netflix, "you choose" I handed him the remote and got up. "Where are you going?" "The bathroom" I closed my bathroom door behind me and looked at myself through the mirror. Before I was confident with my body, my ribs or bones weren't popping out like they are now. I was ashamed and upset with my body, the way it looks now. I don't want Justice to see me this way, it's the right choice to give him my virginity after its gone and I've gained all my weight back. I went to the bathroom and washed my hands before leaving the bathroom. I went to my closet and grabbed a hoodie and sweatpants. These clothes made me look better in my opinion, you couldn't see my bones through my shirt or my bruised elbow.
I went back into the bathroom and changed and walked back out, putting my clothes in my basket and laid down beside him. He leaned over and kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand. He let go and sat up straight and motioned for me to sit on his lap. I did so and I rested my hands on his shoulders. "I'm so excited to get everything ready and perfect" I smiled, and leaned it to kiss him. He pushed our lips together and they moved together perfectly in sync.
His hands laid on my lower back while mine were on his shoulders. His hands moved to my stomach and I pulled away, "please don't touch my stomach" I didn't want him to feel or see all the bones. "I'm sorry baby, I was just thinking about us having a family years from now" I smiled but I still felt uncomfortable. I got off of him and sat beside him, "I'm sorry" I shook my head "it's not your fault" I felt horrible now, I'm so self conscious now and I can't help it. I wanted to cry, I wanted to get the surgery over with and be me again. I want to go on jogs like I used to and get my license, I just want to be normal again. This thing inside of me is ruining my life, I feel like Justice and I aren't the same and happy as we used to be.
I wanted to be strong, I didn't want to cry, not in front of Justice. But my walls were breaking down, and I couldn't help but cry. "Come here" Justice opened his arms and wrapped them around me. "Please don't cry" I wiped under my eyes with my sleeve, "I'm so sorry" I felt so bad for him. "Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong" he kissed the top of my head as it laid on his chest. "I don't want you to see me like this, I've tried to hard to be strong around you" he sighed and tightened his arms. "What's bothering you?" He whispered, "I just want everything back the way it was, nothing the same" "what's changed?". I pulled away, I didn't feel like being touched, "me, I've changed. My body, my happiness, our relationship"
"Wow baby" he grabbed my arms, "nothing has changed between us don't think that, why would you say that?" I just wanted to be alone now, to get my mind together and relax by myself. "Can you please leave?" His hands dropped, "why? What did I do now?" I could tell he grew aggravated. "I just want to be alone and get my mind straight" he sighed and stood up, he walked for the door but I stopped him. "Justice" he turned around, "come here please" I wiped my tears away as he walked Infront of me, looking upset and aggravated. "I love you, please don't think this is because of you, please understand I just need some time alone" he sighed. I grabbed his hands and looked up to him, "I love you Justice, I'm not mad at you" he nodded lightly and I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug. "I love you too" I pulled away and lightly attached our lips, "please don't be mad at me" I said, he completely pulled away "I'll see you later" he said as he walked to the door. I frowned as I watched him leave, it was my fault, like everything else. My thoughts came back from the other day and walked to the bathroom and lifted my shirt, and grabbed my blade.
This story is so shit now and nobody reads it anymore 😪
