I haven't actually written anything like this in a while. Okay, well, a relative while. It was a week ago, but it was in my notebook. Writing shit like this online seems weird to me because like... people can read it? Sharing is not really my forte, but I guess basically no one is going to read this anyways. Maybe this will become a thing? Not like a thing thing, but like... my thing. Uh, yeah. Like, a replacement for my notebook. It's less safe I suppose, but maybe it will work. Maybe sharing is what I need to do, even if it's not to anybody?
Alright buddies, time to Dump My Shit™:
Ever since I've started retaking this medication my anxiety has been like wooOOi o jooo boi what teh fuk is you think youz doing? I normally couldn't give less of a shit about what people think of me but suddenly I'm so self conscious? I hate it. I hate having my body feel like it's separate from the universe I'm supposed to be in. I know that sounds really dumb but it's the only way I can think of describing it. I mean, I know I'm dissociating right now, but that's not what I'm trying to explain. God, this is frustrating. When I'm writing on paper everything feels more deliberate but when I'm typing I could just say random ass words because they take .2 seconds to delete. Kaleidoscope. Rambunctious. Pontificate. See? Dumb. God, what am I even writing about? This is awful. Okay, back on track. Uh
Yeah so, my brain has also been all over the place. I like listening to music, but I feel like in the hallways I use it as a defense mechanism. I hide behind my phone because if I don't look up I won't have to face everybody. That makes me sound so lame. I'm supposed to be Cool Doesn't Give A Shit Punk Person™. Maybe Holden was right and I'm just a phony. I guess trying to be the persona makes me more of phony than just being lame does. Can I pick d.) none of the above?
I'm less phony than I was before, though. That's for sure. This isn't some yellow notebook kind of shit. Even my black notebook is better than my yellow one. Why was I so pretentious? Who was I even trying to prove myself to? Myself? I hope when R eventually reads this he doesn't think I'm less cool than he thinks I am. Does he even think I'm cool? People say opening up is the way to making closer friendships, but I just feel like a loser. If I delete this and rewrite it so I sound like a badass it would kind of defeat the whole purpose of writing in the first place. What's the point of writing if it's all lies? I think the real question is-- Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions?
