I haven't posted anything in a while, partly because everything in my drafts didn't feel good enough to present, and partly because I've been focused on things besides writing because of my anxiety. I felt a lot of dread in regards to coming back to school and my anxiety has been pretty rough lately. Thankfully, a few days ago I was finally able to get my medication and I'm hoping it helps. Normally it costs $1300 dollars, so I'm super glad I was able to find a coupon for it online to get it for only $14.
Now that I'm back at school the dread has lessened a bit and I'm just excited for classes to start. I got ahead today on my reading for my Philosophy and Existentialist Themes class, and I took 5 pages of notes on it. Tomorrow my first class has Megan in it, which I'm kind of anxious about. I hope she just leaves me alone and we're able to exist separately. I've been waitlisted on two other classes to try to get out of this one, but from what my professor has sent so far she seems really really cool and I might put up with Megan just to keep my professor.
I'm most excited for my focal point class the Philosophy of Chess. Unfortunately the professor is going to be out of town on Tuesday so our first meeting is postponed until the second class period on Thursday. He said during that class we're just going to be playing chess, learning the basics, and getting to know the group. "Learning the basics," made me a little apprehensive because I've been playing for years and I don't want the class to be focused on just learning how to play, I'd prefer more advanced stuff. But, it sounds relaxed and like an opportunity to make more friends. I saw Spencer notice me today and intentionally ignore me. It didn't really bother me that much, it was just kind of uncomfortable. I'm super excited to meet and hang out with new people, but also Grey and Anna. I even might get a job lifeguarding to fill my time and get some money. I'm very optimistic about this quarter and year in general.
There's a ton of reading for my classes. Last quarter I was swamped in work with all my science stuff, and after reading the syllabi I'm learning I'm going to also be swamped in work this quarter. I think it's probably going to feel like less though because I'll be enjoying what I'm doing. Or at the very least, have a solid basis to work off of unlike I did for science. This week I'm going to start reading The Monk by Matthew Lewis for my Gothic Monsters and Villains class and Existentialism is a Humanism by Jean-Paul Sartre for my Phil & Existentialist Themes class. I already started reading the latter, and I know that makes me sound pretentious as shit, but let's face it-- I am pretentious, so I might as well not pretend otherwise.
Sartre believes existentialism is optimistic over pessimistic because it offers man the possibility of individual choice, but think that's a misguided judgment because even if every man is created equal, not all men are treated equal. He disregards using circumstance as an excuse for men's actions where men are entirely the creators of themselves -- Man materializes in the world, encounters himself, and only afterward defines himself. Which may very well be true, but is ignorant and blind to the definitions forced on people from birth. Race, sex, gender, religion-- all sorts of circumstance, among many more-- not merely able to be ignored by saying all men draw their own portrait. Surely, in the vaster sense of the world this mindset could be applicable in saying all men are responsible for their actions, and effects of birth or parentage are no excuse to be evil. But, circumstances do contribute to the creation of man as an individual and what he must do.
Sartre also asserts the first principle of existentialism as being, "Man is nothing other than what he makes of himself." If this is true of existentialism, it's first principle is what makes it not so as an adequate way of interpreting the world. Existentialism is not "sternly optimistic," but rather idealistic, in that it's definitions of man are keenly untrue when rooted in the realities of society.
Subjectivity is so --
Okay, actually, I took a break writing this and just got back from dinner and I don't really care about Sartre or existentialism anymore. And, I reread what I said and it just sounds douchey and doesn't make much sense. I'm going to leave it in as an act of masochism, though.
Dinner was okay, I just got back because I stayed longer than usual talking with Alayna and her friends. I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now except vaguely uneasy. I think it's my anxiety, but I'm not really sure about what. Maybe it's because I feel like I don't have anything to do and tomorrow is going to be a whirlwind.
I wish I was with Ryland, he almost always makes me feel better. I'm probably just going to play Pokemon and watch youtube before I take a shower and go to bed.
7:04 pm
888 words
