I know literally my last chapter said I hoped Ava would do better, but I think that's a little (a lot) naive. She keeps showing she won't and I need to just accept that. I'm so relieved our friendship is over. It was something I had wanted to make work, but it clearly wasn't going to. When she said the final, "Yeah." it was like a thousand pounds had been lifted off my heart and a detox was complete.
I'm really trying to focus on people that are good for me and my interests. I got a sense from the start she wasn't, because oftentimes I felt guilty after being with her and felt like I was becoming a worse person. I didn't want it to be true because of what she represented to me, but I think it was. Normally stuff like this goes into my docs or my notes on my phone, but I finally muted her so she's not following me and won't get an update on this. Even if for some reason she looks up my book and sees this, which I doubt she will, it's not like we're friends anymore so it doesn't really matter.
When she told me her plans when she was meeting with Anwaar and all of my residual feelings completely dissipated, it was so freeing. It's similarly freeing now, so I'm going to post some select stuff from my docs and notes I was super frustrated I couldn't post here because I had told her my account.
"Most great men, and all great writers, feel things after they shouldn't and especially when it's inconvenient. And maybe I'm not a great man, but I am a great writer. I wish I had never told you where I share my words. I wish could I post what I want to write. Drafts of drafts in unpublished books, hidden, and words scrawled out on my skin and the skin of anyone and everyone around me. I should have known you never really liked me. I wish I had listened to every single one of my friends [...] In the end it's for the best it happened how it happened so I got out before it swallowed me whole. I knew I was becoming more of an asshole being around you, but I ignored it because you felt nice. Life isn't about always feeling nice, it's about being the best you can be."
This one is based around a quote from Kai when I first told her. I think the last line is something Ava struggles with a lot herself.
"You love your aesthetic, and I think you realized I just don't fit. I think loving someone like him is easier, because it means you can be less. You can look into whatever mirrors you want and gaze back upon your presentation in whichever light you choose. You can look into your vintage mirror speckled with anything, but that doesn't make what you see anything more than an Erised desire. They are mirrors I will never be reflected in, but I don't need to be reflected in your polished glass. I'm reflected in her words and his eyes and their care for me. I can say the wrong things and they don't hold it against me. I have broken their hearts over and over and they have always forgiven me. The people who care for me love me for what I am, beyond what I exhibit, even when I'm not my best self. I don't deserve it, I need it for growth and change."
This one is based off a poem she posted and I try to refocus my discontent for her into love for my real friends.
"I started without you and I'm ending without you
It's all gone full circle
September crying in the shower, feeling alone
November crying in the shower, feeling abandoned
Trying not to vomit for the fourth time
Heartbreak is more than emotion
It's feeling my blood coagulate inside me
It's my body heaving with tears lost to the needles pelting me
You hurt for another
Slow dance with your easily placed emotions
And your lack of effort to every degree
I am never not nauseous
Thanks to you
I suppress the bile rising in my throat every time I think of you
I saw how you revoked your gift
Music, sure
But moreso, you
I saw you in my dreams last night
Waking up rarely hurts so bad
{...}
But I kind of wish I could
Just to show how bad I am doing
Simultaneously
I am better than him for not showing how I feel
I suffer silently, but at least I don't manipulate
Cry for your lost dark eyes that never existed and never will
Mourn for whatever you fucking want
Write your letters that will never be sent
I don't care
I don't care how you feel
I don't care about you
I don't care
I don't
We never got to dance"
Tuesday was a very hard day for me, probably the hardest of them all. God, I wish I never told her about my Wattpad. I don't want her to think she affected me so immensely. I was hung up on her for a sole week.
"It's easy to be upset at you
I am heartbroken
It's hard to be upset at you
I am heartbroken"
This one feels pretty self explanatory. I'm not even really upset with her anymore, I'm upset with myself for not listening to Kai in the first place. But I do think it was a massive learning opportunity, so maybe I wouldn't take it back. Undecided.
"I'm an optimist
But my skin is tinted green
And all I can see is how you're missed
Not the boy sleeping next to me
I'm a moron
Over and over again
You don't know what you want
But what I want is to be wanted
Undoubtedly"
Obviously she didn't want me undoubtedly, or even at all. I'm not in the business of begging for love. I don't care to be wanted for by somebody who doesn't want me. And I'm certainly not going to fight to be the friend of someone who doesn't want to be mine.
