I fucking hate when my dad's fiance refers to him as "daddy" in the context of our pets. And I equally hate when he refers to her as their "mommy". I think it's fucking disgusting and it makes me incredibly angry. I'm blinded right now with the feeling in my chest of rage. It doesn't make any sense why I'm feeling this way. What would Freud say?
I just wrote an entire paper basically, on Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also made a handout for my final on it. AND I did at least a solid 66% of our powerpoint presentation slides. And S OME ON E in my group has the balls to snap and sigh at me because I told her we shouldn't decide which slides we're going to individually present until the powerpoint is done????
Side note: What the hell? My dad was talking tonight at dinner about how he has another bulging disc in his back and all of a sudden there are cookies on my computer suggesting things about bulging discs to me? I didn't type it in my computer or phone one time. That's fucking weird. I hate this shit. Why am I so angry? I don't know. I don't fucking care. Nothing my headphones will blast will drown out the bullshit I hear upstairs from my dad.
I never complete any of my sketchbooks. They always have pages full of nonsense on them and the drawings aren't even complete. I did finish this one sketchbook though, and I gave it as a present to my best friend for her birthday (among other things). I wish I could look through it again, I don't remember what all I had in there, but I'm pretty sure I'd like it.
I really want a massage. All of my muscles are always in pain. Especially in my back. All over my back. The tension probably comes from all the stress I have. I've been told I give really good back rubs, but I think that's probably just because I know what I'd want if I were to get one, and I do that to others. There was this senior last year whose name was Jeremy and he would sneak up behind people and give them massages. Everyone thought it was really weird... but he was really good at giving massages, so we all dealt with it. The first time it happened to me I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I was in the middle of talking to my friends at lunch and all of a sudden when he touched me I stopped talking and stuttered and got really red. One of my friends mouthed to me, asking if I was okay, letting me know they'd get him to stop if I wanted, but I said I was fine. Despite my discomfort, I finally felt like I was part of the group. Like I had finally been accepted into the group of people who randomly got back rubs from this guy.
I'm thinking about last year's prom right now and how much fun it was. I was so carefree and ridiculous. It wasn't the same kind of good as my sophomore year prom, but it was still good. I remember staying after everyone had already left and running circles on the dance floor, skipping to Sweet Caroline and Fall Out Boy songs, but most importantly- watching Kai during Come On Eileen. That song will always be ours, I think. I hope I'm right. I fall in love with her more and more whenever I think about her, but I don't think we're meant to be.
Do you ever want to punch someone whenever you see them? To hurt him? To make them feel like how they make you feel?
Probably not.
I'm really good at making drinks last a long time. I opened this can of monster at 8:20 am today and I'm still drinking from the same can. I think I probably won't proofread this chapter before I put it up, a side effect of my anger. I still don't know why I'm so angry. Well, I did just do a whole final project on depression and anxiety... I'm sure it has to do with that somehow. I just don't know the trigger for this specific emotion. I feel bright. Not bright in a good way. Bright in an intense blinding way. Bright bright red, and somehow, a bright black. 60. I still want to get in a fight. I've been restraining myself a lot recently. Soon. It will happen eventually.
I wish I could stop being so angry, I wish I could stop all of this. Stop existing. But my anger is so strong and so compelling I don't even want to do the exercises to calm myself down. Maybe it would be better if Ryland was here, then I could direct my emotions into something more constructive, like making him feel good. But I'm afraid that I would snap at him and hurt his feelings. Or, sometimes when I get incredibly angry, I just shut down. I might do that.
Actually, I just listened to a Twenty One Pilots interview again, and I feel better. Not perfect, but I feel much less on edge. Their voices make me feel more okay.
You know who you guys should check out is Cavetown. Youtube it. They do a really good The Judge cover, but also do a shit ton more. They just posted another new original song the other day called Lemon Boy, and I really like the music video.
I really want a bass guitar. I have an electric and an acoustic and a ukulele, but a bass would be awesome. So would a bass ukulele. I love deep tonal things.
Alright, whatever. Still pissed. But less pissed. I'm pissed I'm posting this. who cares. Nobody cares I'm angry.
