Okay so I don't really believe too heavily in stuff not rooted in the tangible or measurable, like zodiac signs or personality tests. However, I was doing a search on my last name to see what it meant and honestly it's like someone is describing me to a tee. Here's what it said--
- Your name creates an idealistic, sensitive nature and a desire for culture and the refinements of life.
- You would work best in a relaxed environment at tasks involving writing, mathematical, or analytical skills that require concentration.
- You appear calm to others, but at times you suffer inwardly with nervous tension.
- You can find it difficult to express your deeper thoughts and feelings verbally.
- It is much more natural for you to express your deeper thoughts in writing.
- A lack of positivity and confidence is a source of difficulty in making decisions in business dealings.
- You are easily offended, and can suffer with moods of depression.
- You want the best, but lack the confidence and aggressiveness to materialize your desires.
- Procrastination is a weakness, for so often you are inclined to avoid issues and to leave things undone until the last moment when you are forced to take action.
Obviously names aren't some ultimate descriptor of people, like my family members with the same last name aren't the same as that. It's just that every one of those fits me so well it's hard to not feel called out.
On a separate note, I went to dinner tonight with Alayna and a group of her friends and it was so much fun. It was great to feel a part of something again, and they were all really nice. One of them made a comment that wasn't intentionally rude, but Molly and I were talking about our periods and Sam said, "Oh sheesh, as a guy I can't relate," It was kind of an ouchie yikes, but Molly said-- and not even in a way that was defensive of me, but rather it was matter of fact, which meant all the more-- "Yeah but Leo is a man too and he has to deal with that. I can't imagine dealing with male AND female stuff, that's really tough." and my heart fucking swelled like 8 sizes and it was so gender affirming and euphoric I was blasting rays of sunshine out of every pore.
When we got to the Lou Malnati's we still had to wait for Brandon and Alayna who were coming from Shabbat. And you know how I used to cry outside of Smoothie King because of my crippling social anxiety when my mom didn't want to get out of the car and would make me go in and order? Well I went right up to the counter without even thinking and requested a table for five and gave all the information, and Molly said, "Wow look at Leo, taking charge," and I was like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so excited.
I might be accidentally making this come across like Molly was hitting on me but I don't think that was the case because she has a crush on some guy named Nate. Dinner also wasn't awkward or anything and we talked and had a lot of fun. They commented on how I should be a part of the group. I got back to my room and now I'm doing a load of laundry and I just feel so much more confident in everything I do.
It's really cold here and I didn't bring a coat or gloves so I've been rocking a signature hoodie with a cardigan on top look recently. I might just have to bring back the revival of $2.00 fingerless gas-station gloves. That will really be a good mix, I say, sarcastically with underlying legitimacy.
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Okay, I'm back now. I finished doing my laundry and putting it away AND I took a shower. Me? Do hygiene on a day it isn't absolutely necessary? Who would have thought? The things I can do with serotonin, y'know what I mean? Alayna's dad also sent her a list of the 10 best independent bookstores in Chicago and she asked me if I wanted to go tomorrow with her and her friends to go see them. I'm really excited to check the books out and to spend more time with them.
Almost every night Alayna asks me, "do you want the lights off?" as her way of trying to politely ask if she can turn the lights off and almost every night I reply, "if you want to turn them off you can." In other news we just had our first not awkward interaction with it when she said, "Lights?" and I replied, "It doesn't matter to me, go ahead."
I have to remember to read Existentialism is a Humanism and The Monk for class next week. The Monk just keeps getting better and better, I thoroughly enjoy it. Existentialism however just keeps getting more and more obtuse and confusing. I love my professor for that class though; I really feel like I'm learning a lot from him. Existentialism, although I don't totally agree with it in it's entirety, is so anti-quietism it's hard not to appreciate. I learned what quietism is through the book, so in case you don't know it's, "calm acceptance of things as they are without attempts to resist or change them," which I find repulsive to the highest degree. Centrism is political quietism, and as is the caption I came up with the other day to a meme in one of my finsta posts, "liberal centrism is aesthetic spinelessness and vice is most dangerous when lurking behind the mask of virtue." I'm oddly proud of it for some reason, even though the last half is entirely appropriated from chapter two of The Monk, or maybe especially for that reason.
It's kind of weird because last quarter was such an intense whirlwind and this quarter is much more relaxed. I miss the friendships I had, I suppose. Or more accurately I guess I just miss having adventures and intimacy and excitement. These new friendships I'm making are currently really surface level as it is when you're first making friends. I'm not sure this is the group I'll stay with because I'm listening to Kai's advice about not settling and I don't know our long term compatibility. But, for the time being they're good company and give me something to do. I don't really miss Ava cause I think she's kinda a piece of shit, but I miss the kind of relationship we had and how easy it was to get swept up in something. I'm not sure that's possible for me right now as I'm still not fully recovered from everything, and it's probably best that way at least for the time being. That's not something I need to concern myself with as I rebuild myself and my friendships.
If I wasn't so sure Ava doesn't deserve me I would almost pity her, because she lost something amazing when I decided I was done with her. Continuing that thought, it's interesting the way this new group I'm integrating myself with is already so different from my old group. Before, we would mainly get drunk together and go to parties and concerts. I suppose we also did fun stuff like we went to a Cubs game once and all squished together up in my bed to watch Surfs Up and eat at 24 hour Taco Burrito Express next to Kingston Mines. But with this new group, we went out to dinner at an actual restaurant, I got invited to go sex-toy shopping in Boystown, and we're going bookstore hopping tomorrow. I'm not saying one is inherently better than the other; They're just very different. All in all, only a week in and my second quarter is drastically, starkly, immensely different than my first. Similarity lies in my loneliness at the onset.
I really wish my old friends hadn't ended up being so shitty, but they did and there's no changing it. If they awaited me, then more is definitely out there, more that is much better than them. I'm excited to see what the world has in store for me. Perhaps that's naive, but I prefer to think of it as hope-- something I wish to never permanently lose.
1397 words
1:10 am
1/12/2019
