This morning Alayna and I got up around 11 and went to go get breakfast. I had Lucky Charms and buttered noodles with mushrooms, an interesting mix. Afterwards, we headed up to Western and went to a bookstore where we hung out for a while. I considered getting Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace but it was over 1000 pages and I didn't want to spend $20 on something I might not make it through. I was also hesitant to buy it because I want to save my money to get a piercing soon.
That resolution of saving my money didn't last long. We considered going back home after the bookstore but decided on going to a nearby record store instead. It was so fucking cold that it was almost hot, because my extremities felt like they were on fire. I almost made it out of the record store having spent $5 on a Billy Joel album that I got exclusively because it had Vienna on it, but then Alayna remembered I like Soccer Mommy and showed me an album by them I could hardly not get. I ended up spending about $26 in all, but my grandparents just gave me some money so I might be able to get the piercing soon anyways.
Now I'm back in my dorm and I'm slowly warming up to the sound of Soccer Mommy. I might watch chess videos on Youtube? I've been watching a lot of analyses of grandmaster games and it's actually been helping my own game a lot. I've been playing against robots online and I've gone from being able to beat level 4 to being able to beat level 5 in the span of two weeks. I already finished all my homework and readings this weekend so I'm not super pressed for time on anything right now. I invited my friends over to watch a movie tonight and so far it seems like they're interested.
I went to 24 Hour Taco Burrito Express last night with Alayna and Sam and it was great to be back but it was also kind of sad. They were both in weird moods-- Sam got kind of obnoxious about his extensive knowledge on sword nomenclature when a guy with a pirate-looking dagger came in, and Alayna just seemed distant. Neither seemed to really like their food, too, so that was a bummer because I love the place so much and was hoping they would love it too. I was reminded of what a great time I used to have with my old friends when we went, and got a little sad. Alayna and Sam are both better people than my old friends, but I don't feel like I click with them in the same way. Then that got me thinking-- what does it say that I don't click with them like I did my old shitty friends? In my defense, I often felt uncomfortable with my old friends and didn't like what they said or the jokes they made or the music they listened to. But when things were good they were good and I felt a part of something.
I'm still remembering what Kai said about not settling on the first group of friends that come my way, but they are all, with some exceptions, very nice. I'm still making friends in my classes so there's that too, and I'm planning on becoming closer to Grey, who asked me on another date the other day. And, not to dwell on the negative, but I do have another issue that's been pressing on my mind. Molly has this friend/(non-official boyfriend?) named Nate who is super problematic. The first time I met him he was wearing a Smith & Wesson shirt so I was like.. okay.. that's fine. But then he started talking about Ben Shapiro. I asked if he liked Shapiro and he was like, "Yeah! Do you?" and all my friends shivered in antici... pation. I really tried to be calm in my response so as to not make my friends who dislike him (everyone except Molly) too uncomfortable, so I nonchalantly said, "No. I dunno man, I guess I just support people." Nate can't handle confrontation so he just backed down, and then my friends and I started talking about the democratic presidential candidates for 2020.
The whole problem is that who people surround themselves with matters. I know I'm no angel in picking friends, fucking obviously, *COUGH* Ava. But her tolerance of transphobia appeared late in our friendship. And I never would have tolerated injustice or bigoted views in a friend had I known early on. I mean come on, when I did find out, her unwillingness to change is essentially what ended our friendship.
One of my professors told me that her political beliefs radically changed over college and it was through the patience of her friends that she overcame her ignorance. Maybe I can be that for Molly? Maybe she's being that for Nate? I don't know, there's a lot to think about. Molly is really cool despite her affiliation with Nate and she's a steadfast member of the group, so I don't just want to ghost her.
I've also been talking to Mallory more. Ryland was, how you say... not too thrilled about that. It just feels like after all the shit I've been through recently, what she did is really tame. She also helped me a lot during one of my mental breakdowns this past weekend.
Anyways, it feels good to just write about what is going on in my life again. It feels like with each chapter I write this book is coming to a close (because it is, the max chapter limit is 200 and I'm on 170), and I don't want this to end as a perversion of how innocently this book started.
Okay, also, Alayna told me the other day I, "look like I like The Catcher in the Rye," and I'm lowkey offended but also... it's my favorite book? But NOT because I relate to Holden (although... I do). It's because of page 38 and the way Salinger describes Allie and his red hair; It was life changing for me in realizing that things can be abstracted and definitions don't have to be linear. It helped me get out of my rigid notions of the world. I think it might be why I like poetry so much, too. My college admissions essay was even about how I love poetry so much because it allows for the expansion of what I once viewed as concrete. And, if Allie's hair can be described like that, then so can world, and so can I.
It's really cold in my room right now and my fingers are losing blood (wink) flow so I'm going to stop typing and get under the covers and watch the much too long list of artificial intelligence vs. chess engine videos in my Watch Later on Youtube.
Au revoir (I bet you don't even know what that means).
Adios (I bet you think I don't know what that means).
