I have chemistry lecture tomorrow morning, psychology exam mid-day, biology lecture that afternoon, and my biology lab tomorrow night. I'm really stressed. The psych exam is one of my three biggest grades in the class. I have a biology exam Friday and I'm most stressed about that because I know nothing for it, it covers six chapters, and it's again one of the three major grades.
I've been studying a lot with Spencer because we have the same chemistry lecture and biology lab and I think we've gotten closer as friends. I enjoy him a lot. He just tried dyeing his hair pine green but the dye didn't stick super well so his hair looks super similar to mine and I think it's dope.
I've been saying "bro" a lot recently and every time I say it I become uncomfortably aware of how much I say it. I probably said it 35 times today, no joke.
Ryland said he thought we were going to watch Big Brother tonight and I feel bad I let him down on that expectation but I had no idea he was anticipating that. I don't know if I said I would do it Tuesday or what.
I got misgendered twice today. I've finally decided I want to go on testosterone and my therapist fucking ignored my e-mails asking for her required letter of recommendation. I'm pretty angry about it.
I really love the blanket Ryland got me. It's super soft and I don't think he knew when he got it that a throw blanket was on my birthday list I sent to my family. I think it's so cool he got me something off my list when he didn't even know it existed. It feels like he knows me.
I'm super tired right now but I'm in my feels and I want to just write everything I've been thinking even though it doesn't follow a linear progression.
As the days have passed since Kaden posted that really fucking weird photo of me on my birthday I've grown more and more uncomfortable with it. Ava and my dad think I should leave it be but it's making me angrier and angrier and I can't leave it be anymore. I won't talk to Kaden because that's giving him what he wants but I'm planning a message for Ryland to send to him if he's comfortable doing so.
My roommate must have just farted because it smells fucking awful now but so softly it's disgusting and on the cusp of my ability so smell and it's giving me a headache.
Ava and I are sending various songs back to each other to introduce each other to them and I think it's cool we're doing it. I can't remember the last time I did that with somebody. She asked me tonight if I like Troye Sivan and I got excited because Ryland loves Troye Sivan.
I just feel really all encompassingly upset right now and the more I get distracted with everything around me the harder it is to narrow in on what's causing it, and the purpose of writing this chapter was to outline and understand the root of my emotions. I'm just going to go to bed. I'm stressed, I'm sad, and I'm exhausted.
