Dear Ryland,
Here's another letter for you. Damn, you're getting a lot this week. Which envelopes have you opened so far? Are you still writing your responses in that notebook? I love that you did that.
I felt like you were upset at me tonight. Was it because I took a while to respond? Did I do something? I've been anxious about it for hours.
I hope you're doing well. My schoolwork is very stressful and it's making me a little bit more emotionally unavailable just because of how far it stretches me. I'm so upset I failed my Chemistry quiz today. It feels like nothing I do in that class is right. In Psychology, I've decided I'm done participating. The professor gets super upset when nobody participates but whenever anybody does he makes them feel stupid.
He asked what it means to smile and I said, "It happens for real when your eyes crinkle, (It's called the Duchenne smile)" and he squeezed his eyes shut and yelled, "IS THIS SMILING?" over and over. Then he asked me what it means to smile and I was like, "uh, it's the act of smiling. Like, your cheeks do the stuff." I know it was a shitty answer but I already felt anxious because he made me look like a fucking idiot in front of the entire class and I was unprepared. I was super disappointed too because the whole reason I said anything is I was excited to bring up the Duchenne smile I learned about while reading the psychology book.
Then he criticized me for using the word smile in the definition of a smile.
It's not like he doesn't criticize other students too, but I'm used to teachers trying to enthuse and incorporate students into their lesson. Instead, he builds the lesson off the backs of the students who tried to participate and be active learners.
I don't like him.
Anyways, that was a tangent. The point of this letter is you. I'm SO excited for when you come to visit. You'll get to meet Ava! Megan is going to be out of town that weekend but I'm sure you'll meet her eventually because she lives where we do too.
Ava is very cool. She's the one with purple hair. She believes a lot in astrology and the metaphysical. I think you guys could have some great conversations about spirits and stuff.
I hope when you get to know my friends better you really like them.
But you're still my #1 boy. I adore you. I think about you a ridiculous amount every day. I'm pumped to see how your Halloween mask turns out. I greatly admire your skills and passion for SFX makeup. I love seeing and learning about things you're interested in actively. I want to help you achieve your goals pertaining to them in every way. I'm so proud of you for working towards them.
I was really sad we couldn't video chat to sleep tonight. Megan REALLY wanted to watch Surf's Up the penguin movie from 2007 so she paid actual money via my computer to rent it on Amazon and we were in the middle of the movie when you asked. If she hadn't paid money I would've chatted with you. HOLY MOLY I love when we first open the call together and I see you. It's the best part of every day. You're SO cute.
I hate that the school blocked Snapchat. I crazy miss talking to you during the day. I even crazier miss cuddling with you every day and spending time in your arms. You're the best cuddler in the world and spending time with you is my favorite thing ever.
Maybe it's just my anxiety talking but I have a huge fear you're going to break up with me. Whenever I think about it I have to fight the urge to cry. If you're thinking about it, can you talk to me about it? And if you're not, please reassure me.
Anyways, I know this wasn't a great letter but my mind is all over the place and it's late here. I hope just reading what I have to say no matter what it is can be enough for you.
I love you Ryland,
Leo
