Today hasn't been good. I feel super bad about myself and everything I'm doing. I know it shouldn't matter but I just feel super ugly and it's hard to have confidence or be happy in anything I do when I constantly feel so shitty about how I look and appear to others. It's like the more I think about me and my schoolwork my blood turns to molasses and my heart shrinks a size and everything becomes so overwhelming and I just want to die.
Ryland is upset about a lot of stuff and I want to help him but he won't let me. I know he has anxiety but it's constantly making me upset when he always asks if I'm busy before he talks to me. It's like whenever he asks it feels like he's saying I'm the kind of friend who prioritizes something irrelevant I'm doing over him. I know that's not what he means but that's how it feels and it makes me angry and upset.
I'm also conflicted because I can't wait for winter break and school to be fucking over but I'm also going to miss my friends a lot and be lonely at home because Ryland is kind of my only friend in my hometown and he has school for half of my break.
I can't even derive happiness from my usual source today because I don't feel good enough about myself to feel like anything but a loser thinking about it. I wish I could sleep for forever and pop into nothingness so no one would ever have to see me again.
I'm not able to help my friends. I want to cry and be nothing and stop feeling myself I want to stop feeling I want to be done.
