"College is a formative time in your life," blegh. All this coming of age stuff is bullshit. I don't like the fact that it's true and how vastly different it is from everything I've experienced thus far. Well, the thing is, I do like that it's different. Seeing people's homecoming week Instagram posts is so incredibly dull and I really don't care about high school anymore because I'm so far removed from it.
I care about it to the extent that it pertains to Ryland, but that's it. Everything from high school feels so inconsequential. Maybe it's just that I've had to write a fucking ridiculous amount of reflections in my writing class, but I've analyzed my past so hard I'm pretty emotionally removed from it. I know I'm not fully in Real Life™, but I have infinitely more independence than I used to. Skip class every day? I could. Do drugs? I'm able. Forge and destroy whatever relationships I want with little backlash? Yeah.
Do I want to do those things? Definitely not. But I could. And that's a weird realization to come to terms with. It's also weird to think that Ryland will eventually be experiencing these things and that I'll already have so much experience with them. If we're still dating it will be almost like I'm stealing his chance to learn independence on his own. I know he wouldn't view it that way, and I don't entirely view it that way, but I don't think he'll fully understand until he's experiencing it.
Does that mean I want to break up with him? Big no. It's just weird. I've never really had recurrent future fantasies except with Fleur and Wade and Kai in our house so permeated with sunlight nothing isn't yellow. A dog running out with me to the mailbox and the grass is dewy.
But now I keep imaging I have an apartment with Ryland. It's small but it's ours and we have a couch we sit on every night while we watch TV. We make dinner and eat it at our kitchen table and go on walks and I help him with homework. I sit on my computer for hours a night trying to get my incredible amount of work done and he understands and sits behind me, holding me. I show him how to live in the city and eventually he gets it so well he could teach someone else. And he does, to our child. We have our daughter that we take to school and I sob on her first day of kindergarten. She wants a dog but we get a fish until eventually Ryland or I cave and we get one from the shelter. We all go on walks together now. Everything is okay, and everything is at peace.
It's a potential reality. It might not happen, but it might. And I'm closer to it than ever. That's not necessarily the path I want my life to take, but it's not necessarily the path I don't want it to take either. It's so weird figuring our where I want my life to go because it feels like every decision I make no matter how small is now culminating into my future. My future is the current because of my current pasts and it's really weird.
I'm not really sure what more I wanted to say but this writing did it's job by making me tired. I'm going to go to bed now. I've been watching different kinds of ASMR recently. Instead of intentional ASMR I watch doctors talk about what they're doing and go through the processes of their job. Optical ones are my favorite. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and there's a random video playing about how to read an OCT or something of the sort. I go through my YouTube history sometimes the next day and I have fully viewed 2 hour videos of the most random things. I hope they work their way into my subconscious so if I ever have to do anything about it I can learn it easier.
I sort of rambled out of control in that paragraph that started with me talking about wanting to go to bed and now I have more to say. Ryland is seriously the cutest boyfriend ever. The selfies he sends me literally make every cell in my body scream simultaneously. I feel like all the bowling pins being knocked down in a strike. He sent me this selfie tonight of him and Katie and I don't like Katie that much because of who she chooses to date and tolerate but oh my FUCKING God he looked so handsome I nearly fucking pissed myself with love.
I can't wait until he visits next week. I haven't seen him in so long and I crave to spend time with him. I'm excited to catch up on Big Brother and focus on him. He's my hero.
Okay, now for real. Goodnight.
