I like having lit candles around me. I only ever light them to mask the smell of cat pee, but they are very comforting. The light not being stagnant makes it feel alive and I feel surrounded by friends I don't have to worry about pleasing or whether or not they will please me. We just get to be. Moo and Wrigley cuddle up to me too, just hanging out. There's something pure about enjoying someone's presence without getting to talk. We trust each other without ever having a conversation. I can pet them and not get burnt. I get to see their smiles.
There's been a playlist brewing in my head for some days. I thought Peach Scone would be on it, but tonight it doesn't feel right. It's just Heartstrings, Maps, I Heard..., I Am Nobody, and I Think Your Nose Is Bleeding got added today. They are what feel closest to me right now.
I said before I was nervous about starting school again with no friends. But I'd rather be lonely than have the friends I thought I had. I don't think I'll be lonely, though. I'll make new friends in my classes, especially now that I'm transferring out of ones I shared with them. I was cool before them and I'm cooler without them, at all times and in ways I don't realize: Saying what I said to Hunter, singing in the street, existing as I do.
I need to pick up my prescription tomorrow. My anxiety has been escalating, getting worse at random times for no apparent reason. I don't know if it fixes anxiety but it at least works on depression, so maybe that will be helpful.
I love the color orange. Maybe that's another reason I like candles, because they make everything slightly more orange. Everything around me is orange right now. The sublights near the ceiling are softly orange, the candles, my blanket. They all wrap this room in my favorite color.
I don't know if my hallucinations are hallucinations anymore or just my mind making things scarier when they don't need to be. I don't know if the eyes are less present or if I'm just misconstruing things into them. Speaking of eyes, one of my eyes hurts super badly and has been very pink for a few days. I don't know if it's pink eye or what. I always forget I can go to the doctor for these things. I was only just reminded because I was googling what it could mean and everything was saying go get it checked out. I always just feel like what I'm dealing with isn't that bad and, well, what am I to do? Same with taking care of myself in general. It's hard to have hygiene when I feel like everything pertaining to me is worthless anyways.
