Existing recently has been odd because I've been a bit out of myself but more in myself than usual. This medication I've been taking definitely affects me unlike most of my prior ones. My mood has, for the most part, been stabilized, and I'm able to focus on things. I even read some of a book today and had it flow. For a while now whenever I've tried to read it's been really difficult and choppy because I wasn't able to absorb the words. But today, reading The Monk for class, I managed to get into a rhythm. It's an 18th century book written by a 19 year old trying to embellish a fake dialect for times past. My professor has called it a decently difficult read and I know that before I wouldn't have been able to make it through. I felt like I did when I used to be able to finish a book in a day in middle school and it was euphoric.
I had my Gothic Monsters and Villains class today and it was really cool. We started going through actual class content after reading the syllabus and I've learned a ton of new stuff already. There are these two guys in my class who I feel are really obnoxious and I'm going to have to learn quickly how to put up with. They became buddies by the end of the class, naturally. I wonder if I'm the only person to be so annoyed by them. Anyways, I talked to this cool person named Tailyn in that class and they seem really nice, they have good energy. I'm going to try to be their friend. Speaking of me trying to make more friends, today at dinner I sat with this person I know through mutual friends named Vanessa and we talked for a while. She told me I look like I'm into anime, and maybe it's just exposure therapy, but I was much less offended than the last time I was told that.
In speaking of mutual friends, I've been seeing some people who I was acquainted with last quarter through my old friends. I saw one of them avert their eyes from me when they saw me, and when I said hi they rudely said hey and walked away. Another girl I saw today gave me a dirty look. It's disturbing to think that my old friends are still hung up on me and refuse to let what happened go. It's more troublesome to think that they are spreading lies about me that would inspire such responses to my presence in these people. It's sad, really, their need to aggrandize every situation into something bigger than it is. Acting like I've wronged them adds to their sense of self-importance, I suppose, and they need any boost to that they can get.
Regardless, going back to what I said in the beginning about being in and out of myself at the same time, I'm trying to focus on that. When I live through my eyes and my surroundings I'm caught up in my head and thoughts, which bring me down. When I look at my body, my outfit, how my hands are moving, etc. it's strange to think that this is me. From an outsiders perspective, like, if I were looking at a screencap of my what's in my vision on Pinterest, I would like seeing me (I think). If I were to read a book about my day, I think I would enjoy the character I am. But it's just like, living inside of myself it's kind of hard to stand me, you know? I see my blood stained shoe and how I subtly limped today because of how I accidentally reopened the wound on my ankle and I think-- that could have been in somebody's angsty OC fanfiction. I see my navy hair, my outfit, eyebags, the toilet paper preventing my nose piercing from bleeding all over my face, intricacies of my appearance, and I think somebody on Tumblr probably drew that.
I've made myself into this thing, an amalgamation of what I've idolized online and now irrelevant things like how my ankle fucking hurts just adds to my -*^aesthetic^*-. Maybe it's better to feel like my body is something other than arbitrary transport to my consciousness.
I don't have a great conclusion to this because I took a break to go on Twitter and now I'm pretty out of the writing mood. I'm going to post this now instead of later when I have more time to think just in case Ryland has time to read it before going to bed.
I'm making a new playlist, I'm excited for where my music taste is going. Mood for tonight (and always) is Strangers by Can't Swim.
12:09 am
1248 words
1/9/19 (hey neat)
edited 1/12/19: 809 words
