I feel sad in the kind of way where my muscles want to stop working, but I can't just lay down and sleep it off because I'm stuck in the library. And by stuck, yes I mean stuck, because my muscles aren't allowing me get up to leave. Even if I could get up and go to my room I wouldn't want to because I'm trying to study for a psychology exam I have tomorrow that I'm severely unprepared for.
I know loneliness is my base emotion, but most of the time I have secondary emotions to mask how I feel, and right now there's nothing besides the feeling I'm stuck in this moment for eternity.
I'm listening to two playlists Ryland has on his Spotify that I didn't know about until just now when I saw he was listening to something different in the live feeds of what people are playing. It makes me kind of sad he didn't tell me he made them because our playlists used to be my favorite way we would communicate with each other. I think his "Now" playlist is about the way I make him feel, which is doubly depressing when juxtaposed with the old songs we would share. It's probably just a narcissistic assumption that it's about me, but I get more narcissistic when I'm sad-- What can I say? Not narcissistic in the way that I think highly of myself, but narcissistic in the way I think more than what is accurate is about me.
I've been trying to write more poetry lately and it's all turning out so shitty that I'm discouraged and frustrated I can't adequately express my emotions, becoming pent up. Poetry is my only option right now because I don't feel confident I can confide in anybody. Not for lack on their part, but because a majority of my thoughts revolve around 3. The first won't talk to me, the second won't want to hear it, and the third isn't there yet.
I keep feeling the urge to self-harm and I'm not going to, but the mindset is still draining in itself. Mom Jeans and Say Anything have been making me feel better, somewhat. It's like when I'm listening to their music I can move in a way that isn't exhausting, nothing needs color, and I'm the universe of myself.
Kai called me the other night and we talked for a little bit. She said she doesn't want me to get the bridge piercing because she wants my glabella to just be the place she kisses. I was convinced but then I saw that she dropped me on Snapchat and I'm really hurt. I know she most likely did it before the call because she was mad and/or didn't want to see me anymore while she was upset, and I get that. But we've had each other for so long I feel betrayed she would cut that connection off. I suppose I'm more mad about it as a metaphor rather than for what it actually is.
I'm hoping a new hole in my face will distract from wanting to hurt myself, at least for a little bit. Kind of like Edward 40hands by Mom Jeans. I feel like a sisterless chromatid going through the mitotic phases with no purpose or function. I've been all over the place lately-- forgetting things, getting shakier, less linear, and a lot more neurotic.
I'm eating rat poison for dinner. Pull the cord from the phone, I am dining alone. Tonight! Rat poison for dinner. Pull the cord from the phone, I am dining alone tonight! Oh I am dining alone tonight. Tonight, tonight!
