I've come to terms with failing my finals tomorrow. They turn out how they turn out.
For pre-calc I need a 63% to maintain at least an 80% in the class.
In AP Lang I need a 74% to keep at least a 90%.
In accounting I only need a 51.6% to keep at least a 90%.
Language and accounting should be easy. I'll do better on both without even trying. Math is more iffy, honestly I'm not totally sure I can even pull off 63%. It's late, and whenever I try to study for my math I get put in a really weird and bad mood. Whatever happens happens.
I currently just kind of want to stop existing. But not even really because of the finals, just because of everything in general. I don't know why I'm like this or why I'm so stressed. Maybe I just need to take a shower. It's 2:43 am but who cares if I'm tired tomorrow. I took a 5ish (probably longer) hour nap today. I can do the same tomorrow if I really wanted.
I really want a coffee. I normally want coffee because of the caffeine, but I want it because of the taste right now. I've never particularly liked the taste of coffee, so I'm not really sure why I want it. Why do I use such minimizing words when I type? Like "particularly" or "not really" or "just".
I'm in a state of vague dissociation right now. But I'm not separate from my body. I'm just, like, I don't even really know. I want to isolate myself from everybody in the entire world except Kai. I miss her a lot. I can't wait until I see her next.
Holy shit it's December 21st. Christmas is in four days. That's crazy. Time has been wonkalicious recently. Ah yes, wonkalicious. The wonkiest of the liciouses. Okay, yes, shower. Time to go.
3:16 am, I just got back from my shower. The urge for coffee is gone. While I was in the shower I caught myself accidentally talking out loud again. It was only "not exist, not exist, not exist" but it was still weird. Actually, now that I think about it, just hearing "not exist, not exist, not exist" out of context is creepier than a fully fledged thought. I mean, in my head it was part of a sentence, but it didn't come out that way.
I kind of want colored wax so I can change the color of my eyebrows without committing to dye. I think pink, blue, or purple would be cool.
I can't wait until this week is over. I can finally isolate myself again with the help of christmas break. Maybe I'll hang out with Syd. We can dye my hair and just see how it turns out. And if Scott's not doing anything New Year's Eve we can party. Those are my only plans, though. And I kind of like it that way. Marissa was talking to me about another possible Minecraft day again, that could be fun. I think we've been becoming better friends recently. Not feeling the pressure to be friends has helped. I mean we haven't like talked a lot more or hung out or anything but it just seems more there, more present, I guess. She gave me a piggy back ride the other day in strength. It was a lot of fun. Children in the rye.
I guess if someone were to ask me to hang out I wouldn't necessarily say no, I think I could even get excited for it. I just feel like I never want to move again right now. It's a BoodTM. I talked to Bri this morning. We had a fun conversation. Not Fun fun, but it was nice being able to talk to someone I normally don't talk to and having it flow easily. I don't know if I want to hang out with her though, maybe it's nice to be able to have loose connections like that to people you barely know.
It's 3:25 now. My first final is in less than 5 hours. Is it even worth it to sleep? Probably.... I don't know if I can though. I guess it's better to try and fail than to never try at all.
Goodnight shitty chapter.
