I'm upset at Ryland right now. Mostly I'm disappointed, but I'm kind of angry too, though I'm less angry than I am sad. I was really excited about something that happened in one of my favorite games, Choices, and tried showing it to him, so happy that I was crying, and he said, "You're really crying over that game?" again.
I know he thinks it's stupid, and I even have the perspective to know that Choices is kind of juvenile, but it's something that brings me a lot of happiness and he knows it means a lot to me. Whenever I talk about it he acts like I'm stupid and he clearly doesn't care about it at all. I don't need him to be invested in the game like I am, I just need him to respect it as something I like.
I was taken aback at first when he said it, because acting like a jerk like that is usually out of character for him.
I said "But look," and pointed at the thing one of the characters said to me to try to show it was significant, especially after I had been grinding other books' chapters all day for gems to unlock the secret part.
He just stared at me blankly, so I tried explaining and defending myself by saying, "You cried when Lexa died," as he did a few days ago when she was killed in one of his favorite tv shows.
He replied, "Yeah, but I know Lexa wasn't programmed to love me," which didn't make a lot of sense to me as an argument. He always says that one of the characters is "programmed to love me," and he's really not. He's programmed to respond to my decisions, and the pathways I've taken have led to him falling for me. Furthermore, I know that the character doesn't truly love me, but characters are legitimate within their own stories so it's real that he loves the character I play. And, it's such an asshole move to try to tear down something that makes me feel good and I perceive as real.
I continued, "But she's still a character that you cried over," and he gave me a dirty look like I had crossed a line, but mostly that I was stupid, and then he turned away from me to end the conversation.
After that, I was upset that
1. He treated something I was excited about like it was nothing
2. He condemned me for enjoying it
3. He invalidated my emotions about it
4. He wouldn't further discuss it with me
5. He ignored/avoided me by hiding on his phone
6. He didn't apologize
7. He just said "okay," when I finally said I was leaving
8. He ignored my message to him from when I got home
All I wanted was for him to apologize and acknowledge what he did was really rude and maybe a mistake, but so far he's just ignored me. I don't know if this is his lack of communication skills or if he truly feels justified in what he did. Either way, it truly bothers me.
I also feel as though I can't share any of this with him until he sets it right on his own. Because if I'm the only thing that's directing his actions, then his apology isn't real, and I need it to be. I hope he does it soon, because I won't pretend things are normal again until he does and they truly are normal again.
He helps comfort me when I feel people/entities staring at me through the windows and pursuing me, like I feel right now and have all night. I don't like managing it on my own, especially with Kai and I not really talking. Normally he's so sweet that this is so weird for him; maybe I should reach out in case something is really wrong.
I miss him and I want to go home, but I have the dignity to not give up my justice for my comfort.
(2:34 am)
(691 words)
