I feel really angry. A lot. About a lot of things. And I struggle with trying to find out why I'm angry. Because I feel like being angry without a cause makes me seem like a fool, just angsty because that's what my adolescence implies. And when trying to find out why I'm angry, I seem to dig myself deeper into a pit. I feel stuck and unhappy and hopeless with no vision of the future. I want to express this through art like music and writing and drawings, but I'm already too angry to do any of this well, get the motivation to do it at all, and give up easily. I thought that trying to diagnose the reasons behind why I feel how I do would help it, but I think maybe that isn't the answer. This is contrary to everything I've learned thus far, but the act of trying to understand it seems to only push me further into whatever I'm feeling. I'm afraid what I just need to do is feel. To experience whatever it is I'm experiencing and allow it to be. Fighting it is just making it worse. Fear runs deep in me. Fear of failure, especially. The fear of failure keeps me from trying to make the art I so desperately want to. It keeps me from doing anything for my life, my future, that seems so bleak. It allows me to act irrationally and impulsively because I know I can always resort back to the defense I wasn't thinking or trying to succeed.
I don't like this. I don't like my life. I don't like what I am and what I think I will become. And I don't know how to change this. I feel trapped in myself.
