I finally made it back to my hotel room. My mom locked me on the fourth floor and our room is on the tenth. You need a room key to use the elevator so I was stuck there. I didn't have enough time to think of what to bring when she made me leave. I just put on my shoes, grabbed my computer, and left. I wish I had brought my bag since it had my key and ID and money in it, but it was locked in the room along with my coat. I had to wait for the right elevator to come down with someone trying to go to the second floor so I could sit in the lobby instead of in a corner of a random hotel hallway.
After making it to the lobby, my computer stopped working for some reason. My mom and sister came down and tried making me leave the hotel, but I refused. My mom refused to let me have her key and I started (kinda) yelling and making a scene so she went to the desk and got me another. Boy do I have stories about making a scene in Chicago, I feel like it has to happen every time we go on a trip anywhere to get my way. And the thing is, I'm not being ridiculous in my claims. I just wanted to go back to the fucking hotel room, not throwing a tantrum for Burberry on Michigan Avenue.
I really love Chicago. There's a constant stream of people. You can't go outside without seeing a person. At least in the city part of Chicago, which is where I always go. I'm not a huge fan of people, but seeing the unwavering throb of the masses is reassuring. Everyone has a place they're going, even if it just happens they're meandering around aimlessly. You'll never know what they have going on.
We have a really nice view from our window, but my favorite part is probably not what most people would say is their favorite scene to behold. There's this medium sized brick building that's not famous or anything, but on the side there's layers of bright red doors, going all the way up to the top. They lead out onto the fire escape, which is also painted bright red. I think it's beautiful looking. It's centered on the wall, and there's even a ladder all the way up to the roof. I wonder if anyone ever goes up there, or if they're even able to make it out of the doors without tripping the fire alarm. I think if I lived there I'd go up to the roof all the time. I'd put a tent up there. Almost every building around it is taller than it, so people looking out of the windows could see me if they were on a higher floor, which I wouldn't like too much. But I love looking down at the ground from heights. It's like seeing things separate from the throng, but the awareness you could relinquish yourself to it at any point.
When we were driving up here the other day I was looking out the window a lot. I think it's interesting how my perspective has (albeit minimally) changed. I used to just see a blur of the exterior, but now I think I put myself in every frame I witness. I feel what it would be like if I was carless, forced into the outside at that moment and how I would feel, what surroundings I would have to interact with, and how as the car keeps racing down the road just a mile marker ago I would've done something completely different than now. I wonder how other people see the outside when they're driving, and I wonder if they realize that's not how everyone sees it.
I also think it's interesting how when I'm on my phone or laptop or something and my surroundings are static, how I'm so intently focused on the only thing in my direct line of sight. It's like how whenever you see a computer screen in a movie and you feel like it's so distant but ever present. I've been starting to see my real life computer screen as a movie one, if that makes sense.
We're leaving tomorrow morning, I wonder how much (if at all) I'll sleep in the car. OH MAN. I just remembered it's Christmas break and there's no school on Monday or at all next week. That's awesome. That means I'm free. Well. Now that Kai is gone there's no particular reprieve from my mom's or dad's or grandparent's house. I don't have any other friends who I've grown comfortable enough to just let myself into their house. When I first started becoming close friends with Kai she'd always just say let myself in whenever I came over, but I was always so hesitant and afraid to be rude and intruding I'd knock or ring the doorbell anyways. Her family would laugh at me for it. I wouldn't do it for weeks, months even. When I finally did do it, I was so nervous, and I kept being nervous as I continued to do so. Now I'm at the point where I let myself in, go to their fridge, and start watching TV while I wait for Kai to get home. I even have my own profile on their Netflix account, where my name is set as "John Cena".
I'm really tired right now, which doesn't make a lot of sense considering I woke up at 11:30 am, and it's only nearing 5:00 pm now. I'm tired both emotionally and physically. I didn't do a lot of physical stuff today besides getting my lip pierced, but the pain I've been feeling from it ever since has taken a toll on me. The burning has started to subside into a sort of numbness that I'm worried about because I'm all the more likely to mess with it now. I think it looks awesome though, and when I get back to my house I'll have to switch out all my black piercings for silver ones to match.
Kai says I should dye my hair black and be a scene boy, but I'm leaning more towards a mohawk. Maybe I'll dye the mohawk black. That'd be cool. Yeah, I want a mohawk now. But I don't know how to make it even and I don't think any of my other friends do either now that Kai is gone. She's really good at doing my hair, I think I've gotten one haircut/color from someone besides her in the past two years at least.
Another thing I like about Chicago is the sirens. There are a lot of sirens all the time, the same with honking, but I like honking less. It stresses me out. But ever since Ryland asked me to take him to Chicago sometime the honking has stressed me out less because I've been feeling like I wouldn't want to ruin our trip with my stress about inevitable honking. So now whenever I hear the honking I just feel like "Alright, loser. You're the dumbass honking their horn for no good damn reason."
Speaking of going to Chicago with Ryland, I really want to sleep with him. Not in like the innuendo "sleep with him ;)" kind of way. Just like, sleeping, together, holding him. I think it would make me feel safer. It reminds me of that quote from Looking For Alaska --
"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."
Ryland doesn't have a boyfriend and he's a guy so obviously the pronouns are switched, but I feel like it applies all the same. I don't know, it's mainly just stupid I think. Maybe the word count will make up for the fact I didn't end up writing a chapter for him last night. This might be my longest chapter yet. In fact, I think it almost definitely is.
I'm at 1432 words at the moment, and I want to see if I can make it to an even 1500 before I end the chapter. I really like intervals of 5, even though Ryland says he hates them and always has to keep the radio on a 3 or a 1 or a 7 or whatever else that isn't a five. If we're Lily and Marshall, maybe it's our olives.
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