Today was kinda... I don't know, shitty? I've officially missed the extended early admissions deadline for the colleges most interested in me- AWESOME. There's still the whole K thing breaking my heart. And™ my mental health was all over the place.
Kaden told me that earlier this week when he came up to me and said hi I looked him straight in the eyes and monotonously said "Leave." I was really shocked to hear this, because I have no memory of this even happening. This has me kind of worried because what other things have I done that I don't remember? What does it say about my mental health that I did something like that and have no recollection of it?
I loved hanging out with Scott, though. He always seems to brighten my day. We went to Dawson Lake and laid in the same parking lot as before as we looked up at the stars. We saw lots of shooting stars. There are more shooting stars than people think, but the sky is humble in all of its captivating expanse, and people are too self-important to look. It was a full moon, so it was a little bright for the stars to really shine to their full capacity, but it was still amazing. I love the sky. Its humbling (I don't like using "humble" twice, but it really is the best word) in that it reminds that I am nothing. One day I will return to be the star dust I once came from, and everything I've done on earth will slowly rot away. However, its also so incredible and uplifting to think that I am simultaneously a product and cause of this universe. Scott is a real cuddly, soft, sensitive guy, and I was cold as hell, so we cuddled. Eventually I even held his hand because it was so cold and I was trying to warm it up. I went from holding the outside of his fist, to holding the other side of his fist (to warm the other side). Then he, and I'm so glad he did, took the initiative to intertwine our fingers. It was really nice, platonic too. He's such a great guy, and I love having him as one of my best friends. It's crazy to think my freshman year he was just the guy who sat near me in Geometry and had a crush on Karigan. That Plane Geometry class really had an astounding impact on my life. It brought me together with the two people who have probably helped to impact me the most.
Ryland was being a fucking weirdo at SAGA and refused to play Blokus with us.... but only decided that right in the middle of the game. Later, he laid down on the ground, and I thought it was going to be uncomfortable like what he did at the last SAGA with the chair, but it was actually just super cute. I ended up getting to (kind of) hold his hand, because I wanted to write memes on it. Is it weird to think someone has really nice hands? Regardless, he does. Also, he says that what he likes most about me is my "softness and vulnerability", but that's dumb as shit. Tons of people are intimidated and scared by me, my loud confidence, and how I don't give a shit about what people think of me. I've been told on multiple occasions by many people that I seem like I would beat someone up because they said something that set me the wrong way. I definitely let him see some parts of me that are soft and vulnerable, and the other night when I was really tired I told him some things that scare me, but that doesn't make me inherently soft. If I am soft, I'm a soft badass and its not soft in a bad way. If anything, my softness enhances my toughness, because sometimes it takes a lot of courage to be open.
I got to meet Scott's mom today. Well, technically, I've met her before a few times, but today I got to talk to her for a little bit. She seems pretty cool. While I was waiting in the basement for Scott she came down and said she'd turn off her "lame music," but I asked her to keep it on because it was "lit as hell and a total jam." For some reason, she thought that was really funny. She was easy to talk to and didn't make me feel bad about myself, even when I was awkward telling her that I knew the lyrics to all of these religious songs because my mom only ever listened to christian music when I was in elementary school.
I wore shirts I normally wear as pajamas for the last two days of school and it was oddly liberating. They were big and comfy and kind of fit that I Don't Care™ aesthetic too. Mostly, though, they just made me care less about my image and focus more on the things I was engaging with. Shit, also, I forgot to go into Ms. Duncan's classroom during 9th hour to finish my make-up quiz. God, I have so much anxiety about that. I feel really bad.
CBee has a niche meme account for her school and its district and honestly its so fucking funny. I think, beyond the memes, its hilarious because I have a friend who anonymously runs a meme account and the administration is pissed and trying to find out who it is, as well as the curious students. Vigilante Memer.
Maybe my day wasn't so bad. I got to dissect the cat in anatomy again, which, and I still don't know why, I suddenly find super fun instead of disgusting. I even picked it up today. Ryland wore that shirt I like. Scott was a blast. Syd is cute as heck. Colbie is a babe as always. I got to look at the stars and play Risk. Despite being super out of it today, I could definitely feel my medicine working as my mental health only went down to a C- today. I mean, at some points it shot way down, but it also shot way up too. I love Dat Yung Bipolar disorder.
P.S. My OCD won't let "butter my biscuits" and other variants go. I'm driving everyone, including myself, crazy. Also, I noticed I put a lot of ,..., in the middle of my sentences and I don't totally know why. Another thing I do is add a word at the very beginning of the sentence followed by a comma; I wonder if it's just because I type like I think I'd speak if I was able to eloquently speak what was on my mind.
