I feel breathlessly, hopelessly, unequivocally alone. Nobody understands. The person who does understand I can't ask. I tried to ask for help but they didn't get it. I felt like I was overreacting so I turned my ask for help into a joke. At least this way I'm not seeming too over dramatic. I switched from Ryland to Colbie because I thought maybe she would get it more and she tried to help but I really feel like she doesn't want to be talking to me right now. She has her own problems. She doesn't need to have to deal with mine.
I can't talk to the only person I want to talk to about it because it's about my mom. And because they're probably busy. And because they have a whole new life now without me.
Scott wouldn't get it either. And I already fucked up today with Syd. I keep having to say I'm sorry and I don't like having things to feel sorry for.
I wrote. When my mom started her episode earlier, I wrote. And I tried writing down song lyrics to distract me. Not Today. I messed it up.
I feel out of my mind
you're not seeing my side
You waste all this time
trying to get to me but
I am out of my mind
It was wrong, but I kept going.
Not today, heard
you say break those
windows open take
some time now read
my mind.
I knew it was wrong. It was incredibly wrong. I wrote about that, too, in the corner.
I cant remember the lyrics
my mind is screaming the woah's
and the ah's but nothing will
align and it's making me
feel worse than without
And I hate how the spacing and indentation makes it look like I was trying to make it poetic. I wasn't. I was writing in boxes on the paper and I'm hitting enter where I decided to go to the new line on the paper so that it wouldn't go out of the box. This isn't poetic. It doesn't feel poetic.
I looked up the real lyrics to Not Today because it was driving me crazy not knowing, here they are for real.
You are out of my mind
You aren't seeing my side
You waste all this time trying to get to me
but you are out of my mind
I am out of my mind
I'm not seeing things right
I waste all this time trying to run from you
But I'm, I'm out of my mind
Heard you say not today
tore the curtains down
windows open, now make a
noise
I don't know why my mom woke herself up by yelling at me and Caiti. I don't know why she chose to keep yelling once we told her. I don't know why she was so angry. I don't know why she thought the volume was too loud. I don't know why she thinks we're bratty.
SN: I fucking hate the word brat. It's my least favorite word. People hate moist and crisp and whatever else, but for me, I fucking hate the word brat.
I don't know why she's ashamed of me. I don't know why she told me she's ashamed of me. I don't know why she paced down the hallway 8 times. I don't know why she sent Caiti to bed.
I do know why she sent Caiti to bed. It was to exert control over her for no reason other than to show she was in control.
I don't know why she yelled at Caiti because she wouldn't let her do jiu jitsu on her.
I wrote again, in the box.
I feel greatly overreacting
because my mom did that
and my head shouldn't
turn so like this just
because of her. But if I'm
even really like this
does that make me
a her?
I wonder what it is with my parents and being ashamed and disappointed in me. My dad told me he was embarrassed of me because I didn't stand for the national anthem. Fuck that. He shouldn't have told me that. I'm his daughter. His.. kid. I don't care how whatever he is in me, I'm more important than this country and I'm more important than the National Anthem. At least, I should be.
My mom is ashamed of me because I didn't submit to her? Maybe that's it? Who fucking knows, who fucking cares. I don't need their pride. I have my own.
I don't need to go to college in Florida or at a prestigious college. I can make my happiness all on my own without anybody telling me what I do or don't have to do.
I wish I had known about NYU's psychology program before it was too late, though. It seems fantastic. I saw their psychology page on their website. I don't remember the last time I was so interested in anything.
I hate thinking about colleges. I hate thinking about the future. I want to die. I want to literally fucking die. Not in a instagram/tumblr I'm edgy way. In an I Want To Fucking Die kind of way.
Nobody gets it. Nobody cares. Nobody can help.
I just want to say goodbye.
