I miss Mallory. And I'm mad at myself for missing Mallory. I don't know why she stopped responding to me, and I feel angry at her for doing that, but mostly I just miss talking to her.
It feels sadistic to come back into my life just for her to leave right after I start trusting her again, but I guess this is just my first time in her shoes.
I think the loss of our friendship is something I'm grieving, because I fluctuate between the anger and bargaining stages of grief. I guess I'm not really bargaining, because there's no one to bargain with. But I wonder what I can do:
If I acted cocky again maybe she would like me and come back?
If I was less sarcastic?
Used better grammar?
I drop people if they do something that in my eyes defines their character. When Syd dated T'Sara I even had to drop them because it was so problematic. I dropped Mallory when she said that shit about love being all you need to sustain a relationship. And those are the people close to me; If I'm not best friends with them they're dropped permanently because I don't care to have them in my life at all. Maybe her absence bothers me because her not responding to me isn't a More I can judge so harshly. Or maybe because it was her who dropped me this time.
I'm really emotional and always really invested in my friends. It's been a month and I'm laying on my sheetless bed almost crying to a fucking High School Musical song that she put on the playlist for me.
Speaking of her playlist, Back To You by Selena Gomez comes on at the pool I work at multiple times a day and every time it reminds me of her. Not because the lyrics are applicable to me, that would be weird. Just because it was the song we talked the most about being on her playlist.
I tried finding her apple music account because I wanted to be able to stay up to date through her music.
I want her to come back to me. I write my chapters hoping she'll read them. I listen to songs through her ears.
I hope she misses me too.
