Today I moved into college. It was very stressful because I got on the road a little late and was super cramped in the car. My mom also asserted that the air conditioning didn't work and wouldn't change her mind even though the reason it was hot in the car was because her window was down, although she kept saying her window was down because it was hot.
Regardless, I appreciate her help and others' help immensely. My grandparents helped me an incredible amount both financially in my graduation presents and in helping me buy stuff for my dorm, but also emotionally.
Today was rough because it was misgender after misgender after misgender from my family. And I kept correcting them just to have them keep misgendering me. I didn't even correct them every time, maybe about half, and my MOM of all people noticed the amount and told me "that it must be very upsetting with it happening constantly." That's big progress for her. She still misgendered me, but she did correct herself when I told her when she messed up from then on.
It was still a bajillion degrees and I had to carry heavy stuff and everything was changechangechangechange OVERLOAD. I'm very introverted so I get my energy and recharge by being by myself but it felt like I couldn't get alone all day. When I finally was alone, I needed somebody to go to dinner with me but I didn't have anybody, so I just stayed in my room.
That's how it feels a lot. Even surrounded by people I'm never actually ~with~ them. It's a very isolating and lonely feeling but I can't seem to avoid it no matter what I do. That plus my anxiety is an evil mix, and it fuels my depression like mad.
I'm upset about the fight Kai and I had today. Why did she apologize if I couldn't be upset at the reason for her apology? I know I could have been nicer but I feel like I'm always the terrible thing in her life.
My shower was crazy nice because my suitemates haven't moved in yet and I didn't really have to worry about the amount of time I was spending in there. The water was so warm and my dorm room is so cold that before my shower I started breaking out in cold sweats and couldn't relax my muscles because they were tensed for warmth. I forgot my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash at home but fortunately my Nana packed me some travel size shampoo and conditioner and she got me a bar of soap.
Soap makes my skin really dry. I know that's it's purpose. Like, to remove the oil from my skin. But oh my god, it's terrible. I had to use shampoo on my body afterwards just so I could not get stuck to myself every time I moved. But hey, I'm clean.
Ryland made me a playlist today and the title is "My Love" in morse code. I like that morse code is a thing we've kind of made our own. I mean morse code isn't exclusively ours. But it's something that because of him I feel is ingrained in our relationship.
Our relationship. I'm absolutely fucking enamored with Ryland and I feel like every day I fall in love with him more. I love how he genuinely cares about me and my concerns and he's unfailingly authentic. He always tries to be better for me and he puts a lot of effort into our relationship. I haven't had a ton of relationships, just three major ones plus a major-ish one, but I feel like no matter who I might date if we break up they won't compare to him. He's a fucking phenomenal boyfriend, person, and friend. He's my hero.
I have class tomorrow at 9 and my alarm is set for eight, so I should probably go to bed soon. I can't wait to see Ryland again. I keep thinking about transferring to ISU to be closer to him but I just can't do that. This university and living in Chicago is a crazy opportunity I feel super privileged to have and I just can't give it up. The distance hurts because I just want to lay with him but I have to look forward to seeing him soon and hold onto that.
I met this girl today named Ally I think and she was really cool. I met her at my floor meeting and we introduced ourselves. I said my name was Leo and she said she absolutely loves that name and it's her favorite boy name. I told her, "Thanks. I picked it myself." and she laughed. That felt good. At our floor meeting everyone went around and said their name and pronouns and a fun fact and stuff. I said my name is Leo and I use he/his/him pronouns and even though I said it normally my voice felt higher pitched than usual, because I knew everyone could tell I'm not biologically male. I'm glad that people know me as Leo, though.
As far as I could tell there were only two more non cisgender people. One person said, "You can call me anything you want, as long as it's not late to dinner." and I snorted. It was embarrassing for me, but honestly it was a really funny joke. The person next to them said their name was Madison or Madeleine or something and they use they/them pronouns. Madison was wearing plastic slippers that were fucking FISH. I saw an ad for them on Facebook the other day so when I saw their feet I was like YEHALHdjfakfjl.
Someone in front of me said their fun fact was they like every color except indigo. And I understand that, I used to feel that way until I met Ryland. I said, "Is it because the crayons tricked you?" and the person next to me looked at me like wtf?? but then she said "You know when you were a kid and you tried drawing the sky blue but it ended up purple instead? That's indigo." So BOOM BITCH, it actually WAS because the crayons tricked her. Simultaneously, I felt super offended that she doesn't like indigo. HOW can someone not like mY loVE??????!!!!!!!!???!?!?!?!?
(That's you Ryland. You're my love.)
Sweet dreams. I love you with all my heart.
Lovingly,
Leo
