I woke up when the door to my room closed behind Alayna... I'm pretty sure she left to go to the bookstores without me. That was sort of the icing on the cake to a rough night; Ryland was pissed that in my last chapter I wrote about Ava. He didn't immediately say anything outright, but when I asked him how he liked the chapter he said, "I liked the beginning and stuff," and then said he was going to bed. I asked why he didn't like the end and he said it's because he doesn't like her and hearing about her makes him feel bad emotions.
It was frustrating for me because it's like... she definitely makes me feel much worse emotions much more consistently. And, if I'm trying to talk about them and get them out to get over them I would expect my friend to value me and what I'm trying to do more than their so-called bad emotions. He started saying really rude stuff to me and just showing me disrespect in general. He responded that I said he can't be upset about it because it didn't hurt him as badly as it hurt me, when in actuality what I said was, verbatim, "You can react and feel however you do, but it's not fair to put that on me." I'm not going to post anything he sent because that feels like an invasion of privacy, but I'm just really sad about the whole situation in general.
Before, he promised he would try harder and do better in treating me like a person, a partner, and a friend. But it seems like he only committed himself to that cause when it was easy and there was no trouble. I don't expect him to never get upset at me or to never express his emotions to me. It's just, there's a time and place for everything and considering he knew how upset I was about the whole situation with Ava it feels selfish to smother my own attempts to get over it with his emotions that are two steps removed from what actually happened. He doesn't have to like hearing about her-- I can talk about her less. He doesn't have to like reading about her-- but I'm not going to stop cathartic writing and sacrifice my emotions for the sake of his.
These were the last things I sent:
1:54 am So I don't know if you completely don't get what I'm saying or if you're intentionally twisting my words, but regardless I don't really care. Figure it out, get over yourself, and come back when you want to be a real friend because I actually deeply care about and love you and this shit never ceases to hurt.
2:31 am And I hope you know even when we're fighting or mad at each other it doesn't mean I value you less.
He hasn't responded. I guess it's best, if he hasn't figured out how to be a best friend yet. I just feel like he's never going to respond. Imagine if that's the last thing we say to each other, if he really lets his immaturity and petty resentment get the best of a friendship I valued unconditionally. I feel like how Kai must have a dozen times.
