Roommates

part 28

the only thing i focus on is the water tapping against my head coming back to realization when i notice that i've been in the shower way longer than i should've

i stand up and turn the water off, i wrap the towel around me and try to forget one of my biggest mistakes

but i can't do anything about it now, i can't even talk to him because i'm scared and broken

i've gone through this too many times i don't know if i can take it anymore, it's my fault for choosing the same path and knowing how it'll end

i wipe the mascara from under my eye and dry my hair but slowly giving up because i have no energy in me to do anything

i'm done with everything, it's so stupid of me to feel this way, why do i even feel this way?

why have i never felt this way with any other boy? why him? why am i so attached to him, why can i never get enough of him? i don't know why but it's driving me insane

i change into some short pants and a t-shirt, i let the towel dry and i put away my blow dryer

when i walk out the bathroom i notice that i'm still alone, he's probably still with lily doing who knows what, i'll pretend like i don't care even though it's killing me

i stare at my backpack and try to think if we have any english homework but then remember that i already did all my work

i check the time at its 9pm, i furrow my eyebrows and get a bit concerned on how fast time went when it was only 4 only a few hours ago

i sit on my bed and try to think of what to do when joey walks in the room, should i say something? a hi maybe? or should i ignore him so he knows that i'm mad at him

i laugh at how stupid i sound, he doesn't even care. my back presses  on my headboard of the bed and i scroll through my phone, sophia texting me all the notes we had to take and even the homework

i send her a thank you and go onto snapchat, i look through people's stories and stop when i see lily's name pop up, should i view it?

i debate for another 5 minutes and tap on it, joey and her kissing shows up on my screen just to stab me back in the fucking heart, i check when she posted it and it was only 10 minutes ago

i bite my bottom lip as a way to torture myself from all this, why am i so attached to him. why do i care so much

i wish i can just turn this off, i wish feelings weren't real, i hate feeling this way, i don't want to feel this way, just take it away from me. please. is that seriously so much to ask for?

i take a deep breath and my head shoots up when the front door opens, joey walks inside with lily behind him

"hey" lily smiles at me

"hey lily" i pretend joey isn't anywhere near us but can't when i hear something fall

when i look at him he kicks it under the table, joey stares at me and i swear i feel my dead heart come back to life for a second before he pulls away and looks at lily

no matter how many times he breaks my heart i can't help but still want him and i hate it, i'm over it but i'm not. i still want him but it hurts

lily stares at him as joey looks around the room, i go back to my phone and try to ignore both of there presence

"where is it?" i hear joey fuss

i cant help but look back at him, lily's arms are crossed waiting for him to find whatever he's looking for. joey looks through his drawers and lily starts laughing

joey looks at her and a little smile shows on his pretty face, i can't but feel a little spark inside me when he smiles, the smile is long and i cant help but stare at how beautiful he really is.

everything goes dead when i see him, no sound,  no light, nothing, just him right now with a smile on his face showing off his dimple.

a smile appears on my face when i notice his, the butterflies in my stomach are dancing as if i was kissing him all over again

gosh what is he doing? i cant help it but want to kiss him so badly right now. forget all the times he hurt me i want him to be in my arms

and it finally hits me, it hits me why i'm feeling like this and it's all starting to make sense...

i'm in love with him

but he's not smiling at me, he's smiling at lily, and the spark soon turns to fire when i see him grab a condom from the drawer

she bites her bottom lip and i am frozen, he shoves the condom in his pocket and looks around the room before looking at me. i clear my throat and look back at my phone and act as if i wasn't crying over him at all, as if he means nothing to me, as if he's not about to go fuck his girlfriend in a few minutes while i'm here crying

i'm so stupid, i seriously don't understand what's wrong with me. he loves her and she loves him but me? i'm nothing

i'm just an object to him, i feel my heart get ripped out of my chest and my eyes burning with fire when i see him peck her lips

i hear the door close and i stare at my phone that died, i look at my finger and bite my tongue

wow i'm a fucking idiot who's in love with a stupid boy who will never feel the same way about me, who will never love me or see me more than just an object.

i hate myself for falling in love with him

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