ONE SHOT STORIES

(82) I'm Not Perfect, Sorry

#FAULKNERACTIVITY4
#FAVORITESONG

Hey, Dad, look at me
Think back, and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?

Kasalukuyang kuhaan ng card namin ngayon. Masyado akong kinakabahan dahil alam ko na ang resulta sa simula pa lang.

"Arianne! Bakit ganito ang mga grado mo sa school!"

"Kasi po–"

"I don't want to hear your reasons! You disappointed me! Wala pa lang k'wenta ang pupuntahan ko, eh 'di sana pumasok na lang ako! Aksaya ka sa oras!"

Ibinato naman nito sa akin ang card ko. Sinesermunan niya ako sa harap ng maraming tao, sanay na naman ako, tampulan na naman ako ng bully nito kinabukasan.

Tiningnan ko ang nakuha ko'ng marka, line of palakol! Nag-iisa lang ang 8, sa gmrc ko pa.

"I'm a failure.. I'm sorry if I didn't reach your expectations Pa.." bulong ko habang papalayo sa akin ang bulto nito.

And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I want to do?
But it hurts when you disapproved all along

Maghapon akong naglalaro kapag walang pasok. Katulad ng isang ibon, malayang naglalakbay hanggang lumubog ang araw.

"Hoy Arianne! Umuwi ka dito!" sigaw ni Papa.

"Wait lang Pa! 'Di pa tapos ang laro namin!" sigaw ko pa pabalik.

Hindi ko namalayan na nakalapit na pala sa puwesto ko si Papa. Agad niya akong pinalo ng walis tingting.

"Aray Pa! Tama na po! Uuwi na po!" iyak ko'ng awat kay Papa.

"Hindi ka talaga masabihan! Kaya bagsak ka! Puro ka laro! Simula ngayon, hindi ka na makikipaglaro! Naintindihan mo?" sabay umang ulit nito ng pamalo.

"Tama na po! Opo!" isa pang hagupit ang aking natanggap, "Aray!"

Hindi naman laro ang reason kung bakit bagsak ako. It's because i've been a victim of bully in my school. Natatakot akong makipag-interact, natatakot akong mag-aral.

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for
You can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

Simula noon, nilabanan ko ang takot ko. Nag-aral ako ng mabuti, naging awardee pa ako at isa sa top ng klase.

"Pa! Top 4 ako! Punta ka sa recognition day ha!" tuwang-tuwang balita ko dito.

"Top 4 lang? Hanggang d'yan lang ang kaya mo?"

"I'm sorry pa.. I did my best though.."

"You did your best? This is you're best being in top 4! Then aim more! This is not enough!"

Recognition day come, he didn't come, no one's with me. 

'Cause we lost it all
Nothin' lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Anong kailangan ko pang gawin? Do I have to be on top para maging proud kayo sa akin? What if ayan lang ang kaya ko... mananatili ba akong disappoinment for you Pa?

"Next year, I will aim to beat my best! I'll promised!"

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?

Lahat ay isinantabi ko, all those negative feedbacks. Nakalimutan ko na nga ang sarili ko'ng emosyon. I loss myself in the process to become someone I didn't know. Ako pa ba 'to?

"This is for my own good. My Papa loves me.. he knows what's best for me.. Right?"

All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care any more

"Pa! Top 1 ako! Makaka-graduate ako with honnors! Can you come atleast in my graduation?"

He just looked at me. He didn't say a word, nor talk to me.

Graduation came, there's no sign of dad. All this medals are for him, but where is he?

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you

Highschool life, and it's sucks! It's been hard for me. I can't be on top! They were smart! I'm just.. Argh!

Peer pressure..

Love life..

Alcohol and cigarettes..

Party life..

Those aspects affected me. Bumagsak ako sa ilang subject. I just wanted to be stressed free. I just wanted to be me. I feel like i've been on a cage for a long time. I want to be free..

I can't stand another fight
And nothing's all right
'Cause we lost it all
And nothin' lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I stopped schooling. I am pregnant for this early teen age..

I didn't hear him say a word, but I can see in his eyes the big word–dissapoinment, failure.

Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

"I know Pa..  I failed you.. Your dreams for me.. I'm sorry.."

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
And nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

Lahat 'yon nakatatak na sa isipan ko. Kahit ginawa ko na ang lahat, kulang pa din.. Hindi pa ba sapat? Hindi ko na kaya.. Habang unti-unti akong nagsusumikap, pakiramdam ko palayo ka na sa akin.. please hear me out.. understand the things I can't do.. I'm sorry Pa.

'Cause we lost it all
Nothin' lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Napaiyak ako sa kanta habang inaalala ang lahat. Lahat ng mga sinabi ni Papa. Lahat ng pagsusumikap ko na nauwi lang sa wala..

Mali pala ako ng desisyon.. masyado akong nagpadala sa tensyon at umaksyon ng hindi angkop sa sitwasyon.

'Cause we lost it all
Nothin' lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

I am also a parent to my children. I understand him fully now..

Papa knows best, but I didn't listen to him..

All those negative feedbacks, don't keep it on your mind but put it in your heart and feel their love..

Every time na failed ang anak is twice a failure to them as a parents..

Everytime na wala sila sa mga occasions, they were busy preparing for our future..

They want us to push and try harder, co'z they know we can do it. They believe on us..

And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

"I know I can go back Pa to correct my past mistakes.. Pero hindi ako nagsisi, dahil natuto ako sa mga pagkakamali ko.. I'm sorry for every heartaches I gave to you.. Wherever you are, you're still the best father in this world. I'll promised to be the best mother too. I love you Pa.."

———
Yey! Tapos na ko mga kapatid 😂