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a violent jolt woke me up in the middle of the night. my breathing came out unevenly,short but rapid pants unwillingly escaped from my dry lips. my whole body was shaking,my clothes were drenched in cold sweat. i felt my widened eyes fill with hot tears,but i couldn't stop them. maybe i didn't want them to be stopped.
i turned my head around,only to be met with the same sight. the only sight that could comfort me in these kind of evenings. his calm,sleeping face was illuminated by the moonlight,making his angelic features appear softer. his hair was kinda messy and so were the bed sheets that were covering his wearied body in this frozen evening. my eyes wandered to rest on his seperated lips,his breaths contrasting with mine.
i just couldn't bring myself to wake him up. to fill his mind with further worries. i already knew what he would say and what he would do. i imagine him staying awake all night,just to make sure that i'll sleep well. i imagine him running his hands through my hair,whilst whispering sweet sayings to my ear. telling me that everything is going to be alright,that everything will pass and that he will stay by my side till he's a hundred percent sure that i'm perfectly fine.
and even though these sound like heaven to me,it's not what he deserves. he deserves rest and peacefulness. i didn't want to be the one who would tear apart those things from him. no...he doesn't deserve that. i hastily,but quietly,removed the white sheets from my body and put on my slippers,slightly shivering from the abrupt cold air. i stood up,not forgetting to put on my coat and to take one last glimpse of him,and made my way to the balcony.
i always loved the night breeze and the glowing moonlight. they helped me calm. maybe not completely,but they were still precious things to me. ever since those nightmares appeared,i couldn't find peacefulness nor relaxation. it was hard for me. i haven't told anyone about them and i'm not willing to. i keep telling myself that they will go away,that they will magically disappear and migrate to hunt another person's mind. but these encouraging words were constantly vanished like the travelling dust.
i leaned my elbows on top of the railing and let my thoughts wander away with the wind. my coat didn't manage to stand as a barrier between myself and the light breeze,as i felt shivers making their reapperance. i nevertheless closed my eyes and tried to forget about everything. i tried to picture myself in a place where nobody or nothing could harm me,where it was just me and San.
''y/n...?''.
i flinched at the sudden hoarse voice,which was emitting from behind me. i turned around to see that San had woken up. he hadn't covered himself with anything,just his hoodie and his sweatpants were trying their best to warm him up. his hair was a mess,but i didn't mind. he was beautiful to me. but...he wasn't supposed to be here. no...he can't see me like this.
