c • r • u • s • h // ryland storms

• b u l l y •

15th March 2015

"I wanna break up." said Tobias who was my boyfriend.

"Why?" I asked. "I love you Tobias."

"Yeah but I don't. You are just too weird. I mean look at the other girls. They are acting normal, they went shopping, talking about boys, getting their nails done but you are different. You asked me to go speed race for the first date. And you own three spiders and a snail. They ate like girls but you ate like body builders. You are fat Lana. I feel ashamed when I go out with you. I feel ashamed when I went to restaurant with you. You just can't fit anywhere.You always seem like you are out of this world. Also I don't like your clothes. I think you should stop wearing your dad's clothes. Look at your sister, Addison. To be honest she was my crush, I always wanted to date with her but she rejected, that's why I wanted to date with you. I think you should learn something from her."

That was the last time we spoke. I never felt more ashamed in my life. I keep thinking about everything he said. I started to cry. Then I went to bathroom. I saw here for the first time in there.
She was washing her face and you could easily say she cried too. I was so sad and mad and I yelled at her. Of course what Tobias said wasn't a excuse for what I did to her, I'm still regretting.

"Why are you crying fatty?" I asked. "Couldn't you fit in your pants?"

She looked at me with her pretty ocean eyes. Mines were brown, too random.Not special as hers.

"Why you told me that? Why everyone keep telling me that?" she cried.

"Maybe just because you are too ugly." I put my two fingers in my mouth saying "yike"
"Even looking at your face making me wanna threw all the things inside my stomach on you."

That was a lie. I wanna throw up just because Tobias called me fat.

"You are so mean." she said. She was leaving to bathroom in her tears but I grabbed her arm.
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I should never say that. What is your name?"

"Emilia." she said. "Emilia Frank."

"Nice to meet ya Emilia. I'm Lana but you probably know me." I said sassy.

"No but I know your sister Addison who is cheerleading team captain. She is too pretty." she said with a smile. Even just looking at her smile and the sparkle in her eyes while talking about Addison, you could easily say that she admires her and she wants to look like her, be her. Just like me.

"I said I should never say that you're fat because fat could be thin next to you Emilia the huge pig." I said and laughed.

She ran out of bathroom closing her face with her huge hands.

I looked at mirror and decided to be Addison 2.0.
I went to gymnastics and asked for being a cheerleader. Because of Addison they accepted.
At the lunch break I sat with them and saw Emilia waitin for food.

"Eww she is too fat and her hair is greasy." said a cheerleader girl.

The others agreed and added something more cruel. I decided to yell at her just because make the cheerleader team love me.
"Hey Emilia the huge pig, why are waiting for food? You're already fat enough, leave there before getting fat enough to fill and blow the school."

Cheerleader girls laughed and one of them hugged me. "That was so good. Emilia the huge pig, huh? Aww she is leaving the cafeteria with her pig tail."

And then I started to bully her everyday. Me and the cheerleader team turned her life into a nightmare. Fat ashamed, bullying... That was never okay. I feel so bad for all the things I did in the past.

One day she didn't came to school. I didn't think it might be serious. The other girls didn't even notice.

She didn't come to school other day. And the other day. And the other day. In the day four a cheerleader girl who I used to call her as my friend said "I cannot smell pig today." The other laughed but I worried about her.

She didn't come the next week too. I went to school secretary to find her classes. I went to her class to talk a friend of hers. I asked her to what happened to Emilia.

"And you asking?" she yelled and looked at me with disguss in her face. "She killed herself because of you. Your bully. She couldn't do, she couldn't ignore your bully. She cut her wrists. Their parents moved to Paris after her suicide."

For the next few seconds it was like world stopped. I never felt this bad and guilty in my life.
For the next weeks I always cried and prayed for her. In that times I was still worship with God.

13rd December 2020

It never healed. Whatever I could do didn't bring her back. I was her killer and it was my worst and biggest sin. And after all this years I felt sad for her she was standing in front of me, alive and smiling. I looked at her eyes. Even though she changed a lot her eyes was same as before. Pretty and ocean blue...