c • r • u • s • h // ryland storms

• v o i c e •

19th January 2020

"We are dating again." said Addison. "We couldn't stay as friends. Last night I was in Bryce's room, talking with him but then I kissed him."

"I'm happy for you." I said. "It's good to see you happy." But I'm not even close to be happy.

"Remember when you needed to talk with her, she was always busy. But now you're here listening her stupid break up with his stupid boyfriend." said the voice inside my head. It is becoming disturbing. I'm tired of hearing this fucking voice inside my head. I get overwhelmed.

"Anyways Addison. I need to meet with Jaden." I said and left the house. Started to driving fast to reach him. Paranoia,Anxiety, Bipolar and now Schizophrenia? I felt my eyes watering. Am I schizophrenic?

My dad once told me life would get complicated when I grew up. I'm guessing this isn't what he meant. My mom on the other hand, agreed with him, and I'm guessing this kind of thing is exactly what she meant.

She always knew something is wrong with me. That's why she gave up on me and focus on Addison.

Wish I wasn't born like that.

I stopped at Sway House. Jumped out of my car and went in. I saw Kio first. He was sitting in the garden. When he saw me crying he came and hugged me. "Lana, what happened? Why are you crying?"

I hugged him back. "Kio I need to talk with Jaden. Is he in home?"

"Yes." he said. "Is it something private? Can I come too? Otherwise I won't stop thinking about why are you crying, what happened and who hurts you?"

I hugged him once, tighter. "Kio thank you for being supportive always but I wanna talk alone with Jaden. Don't worry, no one hurts me, nothing happened. It's just my usual depression thing."

I went to Jaden's room, opened the door and went in. He was laying on his bed, listening music with his earphones in. I laid down next to him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

He hugged me too, then put his hand to my hair, rubbing my head. "Shh, what happened Lana, tell me."

I looked at his face. " There is voices inside my head."

He laughed. "It's normal. In mine's too."

I get up on my elbow sitting on the bed. "No, no Jaden not like this.Look I told you about Emilia. When we were out with Emilia, there was a voice inside my head. It was talking with me. Saying i should leave, she is gonna kill me, I should kill her before she does. When I was fighting with Addison it happened again. When she hugged me, the voice told me she has a knife in her hand and waiting for killing me. I just can't." I cried.

   He kissed my forehead. "I understand, you told me you are bipolar.Is it something about that?"

  I shaked my head meaning no. "Bipolar is different. It's like shifting in moods, feeling everything is super intensely. There is two side of bipolar, mania and depression. Sometimes you can shift one to other in moments but it usually takes longer time. Mines is years. Whatever, now I'm suspecting something else." I stop cause I heard this voice again.

    "Why are you telling him? It's special and it's real. I'm talking only with you. He is gonna ask too much questions cause he is jealous of you being special. You know I'm real. Stop thinking about doing something stupid. Shut your mouth and let me warn you about everyone who tries to hurt you."

     "Whatever Jaden." I said. "You're right.  This voice is just normal as yours. Let's talk about you and Mads. I'm gonna took her to a winter vacation, near Wisconsin. Guess what, you will be there too. We will stay in the same hotel, then you'll be together again."

     "Hope it works. I'm missing her deadly." he said then we spent all day together.

   At the night Ryland finally called me.
  "My love, I'm on my way to home. I know I should come earlier but you know, we were in Mexico."

   "Were you?" I asked. "I wasn't know cause you didn't even text me Ryland. Went to highschool reunion and you disappeared."

    "I know, yes, you're right. I'm sorry but I'll tell you everything when I come back to home."

   "Okay." I said and hang up the phone.

   "He is cheating on you, stupid girl. He will break up with you and turn back to Mexico to his new lover. She is way much beautiful than you. You're fat and ugly, hate yourself. When you're gonna kill yourself?" said the voice in my head.

  "When you're gonna stop talking shit?" I yelled. Jaden looked at me scaring.

    "I'm sorry, I'm just mad at Ryland." I said. "Anyways I'm going to home."

    I kissed his cheek and went downstairs. I saw Kio. He came closer to me. "Are you okay? You look happier now. At least you're not crying."

    I hugged him. "Kio, I'm saying this in my heart. You are the sweetest person I've ever met. Hope you can find the love of your life and be happy. I still love you as a friend in the bottom of my heart and wishing you the best."

   "Hope." he said. "Are you happy? Do you think you found your love of life?"

   I looked into his eyes. "I'm still searching."

   Then I left the house.