c • r • u • s • h // ryland storms

• f u c k b u d d y •

19th September 2021

   I woke up in my room, next to Noah. I looked at his handsome face. He was seeming so peaceful sleeping next to me. Then he woke up realizing that I'm looking at him. He put his large hand to my cheek. "Morning babe."

  "Morning." I said. He grabbed my waist and pulled me closer then kissed me. "Today I'll make the breakfast ready. You must be tired from the last night."

I laughed. "You're such a jerk."

He tucks a lock hair behind my ear. "Lana, I love you. I love you more than anything, I love you more than everything. I fucking love you."

Noah, I'm sorry, I don't love you. I mean you're handsome and good in bed, I love you fucking me but I don't love you. "Noah." I started to talking but he interrupted me. "No, you don't have to say anything. I know you don't love me but hearing this constantly makes me sad. I know we are just fuckbuddies.I understand your feelings and I respect them."

Noahh, I was about to say that I wanna end this shit. Why are you so sweet? You're reminding me a lot of Kio in the times when we first met.Why are you loving me that much? You have no idea about how you made things hard for you? I wonder how will you cope with the grief when I'm gone? "Thank you." I said. "Well, I might not fucking love you but I love fucking with you."

He laughed. "Round 2?"

I smirked. "I don't know if you can take it."

He sat on bed and grabbed my waist, made me sit on his lap. I smashed my lips on his.

————

    "I'll take a shower." I said and went into my bathroom.

   "Okay." yelled Noah.

   I get into shower, turned the tap on and let the cold water run off my body. Thank God, my tears don't seem when I'm showering. They are just mixing with cold water.

The life I live is not mine. Supreme Lana Rae is not me, it's somebody else. I'm getting ready everyday to play the Supreme Lana Rae role. I've perfected the art of the fake smile. It's not so difficult when you are completely numb.

There was no other way to say it. After being heartbroken for so long, I had made myself completely numb inside. Maybe not from physical pain, but anything emotional, yes. I'd have been a great actress. After all, I had the perfect, mind-blowing orgasm down to an art. Suppose I deserve an Oscar for that.

I used to be a girl with dreams. Now I barely dream and when I dream, it's always my death. I keep imagining the scene of me, laying on the floor with bloods in my hand. Probably Jaden would be the first one who find my dead body. I just can't imagine how devastated would he be. Today I thought for a second that I lost him, it was one of worst feelings ever. I felt like my heart is crashing. I can't let anyone to feel this shit.

  God knows, I'm trying my best to hold onto the life. The only reason that I'm not killing myself is not to make sad anyone. Cause I know people kill themselves, they think they're ending the pain, but all they're doing is passing it on to those they leave behind. I can't let anyone to feel what I'm feeling.

  There used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. We'd be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think 'it will be okay if it can just be like this forever' but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever. Did I lost my hope? If I loose my hope it means I'm dead. I laughed. I'm already dead inside.

  "Babe are you okay?" asked Noah. "You said a quick shower but it's been nearly one hour."

  I turned back to reality hearing his voice. I started to wash my hair and body. "I'll be out in five minutes." I said. Lately all my showers like this. Staying in the shower for one hour. Thinking fifty five minutes, showering five minutes.