c • r • u • s • h // ryland storms

• a r e y o u w i t h m e •

2nd February 2020

It's been a week since my last mental breakdown. I barely remember that day. All I know is I lost my control and hit Dixie. I haven't seen her since then, at the first she didn't want talk with me and now she is in the Connecticut with her family. I called her million times, I called Charli too but they didn't want to talk with me. I can understand that.

I didn't tell this even Jaden and Mads, I don't want them to see me as a schizophrenic, a psychopath.

I searched about schizophrenia last week and I think I'm schizophrenic. Usually the ones has mental illnesses doesn't accept they are sick but I can take it. Denying that you're crazy doesn't make you less crazy.

I was writing this down to my diary and then Ryland came and kissed my head. I turned the pages with worry.

"I thought I saw the word schizophrenia in there." he said.

Would you leave me Ryland if I told you that I'm schizophrenic?

"I'm working on a new song. About someone who is schizophrenic." I said. That's true. I'm the one who is schizophrenic.

I looked at his face. "Ryland, I'm gonna ask you something. It's important for my song. If you find out that you're girlfriend is struggling with mental illnesses like paranoia, bipolar or schizophrenia, would you leave her?"

"Babe, doesn't matter who is she or which mental illnesses she struggling, I would stay with her and help her till my last breath is out." he said.

For the first time in our relationship I felt like I could trust him.

Since the first day I was sure that I love him but I couldn't trust him. Now it feels so good that knowing I can trust him.

I kissed him. "I love you Ryland."

Ryland looked at me. " Did you seen a psychologist? Or just self-diagnosis?"

My eyes started to watering. " Did you know it?"

He hugged me. "Of course Lana, I'm your boyfriend and I'm living with you. I understand that there's something wrong with you lately. I saw you couple times talking with someone who doesn't exists. And your last breakdown was kinda terrifying. I can't deny that I was worried about you."

I put my hands to his cheek, brushing his left cheek with my thumb. "Why didn't you tell me anything about it?"

He kissed my hand. "I wait till you open up about this to me. You didn't tell me and I had respect for your decision."

    "I'm lucky cause I have you." I said kissing his lips.

    "Did you talk Jaden about it?" asked Ryland. "Or Mads? Or Addison?"

    "I cannot tell Addison, she would be messed up if she finds out." I said. "I was thinking about telling Jaden but the voice inside my head, it didn't let me to do it. Mads is too sensitive, she might feel so sad because of me." 

    "The voice inside of your head. Is it she or he? Do you see it or just hear? What is it saying about me?" he asked curiously.

   " A man." I said. "I feel like he is devil himself that's why I prefer calling him the voice inside my head. I didn't see him yet. Maybe once, when I looked at Emilia. He is too aggressive and jealous. He says that you're trying to kill me, you're hating me and he hates you. He gets mad when we have sex. Keep telling me it's a sin, I will be burn in hell for it."

   "It's too weird and scary at the same time." he said. He took my notebook and looked at my songs. "When you will release this songs?"

    "I want to release an album. Not only rock, pop and alternative pop too. And we will have duets with Jaden. I only have 2 songs right now. I cannot be an album with 2 songs." I said.

    "Wanna go somewhere or do something?" he said rubbing my head.

    "Ryland I don't want you to act like I'm a kid. Can we just cuddle up and watch Netflix as normal?" I asked.

    "Okay." he said and we cuddled up.

______

     A few hours later

    " I need to apologize to Emilia,  Dixie and Charli." I said. "Can we meet with Nick and Emilia?"

     "Of course. If you want we could even go to Connecticut to apologize to Dixie and Charli." he said.

   "Really? Can you do this for me?"

    He get up from bed. "I would do anything for you." He went to his closet. "I will wear my lucky cap."

   I smiled. "I need to take a shower first. Can you call Nick and ask if they want to meet?" I asked to Ryland.

   "Okaay." he said.

   After shower I wore a sweatshirt and leggings then we left the house.

  We took Ryland's car and he started to drive. "I called Marc, Dixie's father, letting him know we are coming to Connecticut and booked a flight. So are you with me?" He stretched his hand to me. I hold his hand. "Always."