c • r • u • s • h // ryland storms

• a d d i s o n ' s p o v •

14th October 2021

Suicide.

That's what people say.

Murder.

That's what I see.

After reading her diary, I realized how much of a bad sister I am.

Remorse is the bad feeling ever.

I know my sister was the best sister ever and I was nothing but a piece of shit.

They say "Remorse is a heavy burden, but in its weight, it has great power to awaken men's souls."

Today is the day I reborn. My sister, Lana lived her life for me and I couldn't pay her back, now at least I'll find her murderer. Maybe then, I can dare to look her face when we met in hell.

  After reading her diary, my therapist told me, "Yeah, Addison, see, she already wrote her suicide letter. It was her choice, it's a weakness and you are more stronger than her. You have to make it alive."
So I left her clinic, I'm driving my car around Lana's house. Don't know why, maybe I'm still hoping to see her through the window, dancing and laughing with Ryland.Maybe in the rose garden, watering them and talking with them. Maybe in the pool, hitting the champagne glasses with Ryland. I started to crying with the fact she won't be able do all of that.

  Then Ryland came to the balcony and showed his middle finger to me. "Fuck off.This is not a fucking museum.You can't come here." I guess he thought it was a fan who pulled over here. It happens a lot lately, they come to my house, Lana's house, Hype House and Sway House with the candles, roses and posters. Some of them still accusing her being a bitch, sneaky little witch. Then Ryland came back to balcony. "Hey you! Get the fuck off my house."
I still kept sitting in my car. I was thinking deeply, I didn't realize Ryland came to my car untill he knocked the window. I turned my face to him. When he saw my face, he turned his head. I guess seeing Lana's face on me, making things harder for Ryland.

  I jumped out of my car. "Ryland please let me stay in here.Please let me watch her house and imagine her running around here."

  He looked at the house. "Imagine her?"

"Yeah." I wiped my tears and hold Ryland's hand to point rose garden. "She would be sitting there, talking with her roses and the little animals that comes to the garden." Then I point the sofa in the garden. "Or she would be sitting there with you and her friends. Laying on your knees, laughing and lightning the night with her precious smile." Then I pointed her bedroom. "Or maybe she would be in her room with you, dancing in the dark, kissing you..."

  "Yeah." said Ryland laughing and crying at the same time. "How you'd know that?"

  "I've been watching her since we stopped talking. Seeing her happy was making me happy." I said.

Ryland looked at my face. "Do you wanna come in and drink a coffee?"

I smiled. "Please."

We went into house and sat in living room. House was such a mess, his hands were in bandage, I guess that's the way of him, dealing with grief. Everything which was hanging on the wall before now is on the floor except her album covers or photos. I get up and looked a photo of her. "I haven't saw this before. Can I take a picture?"

Ryland was pouring whiskey in his coffee. "There is a copy of it in our room. You can have it if you wanna hang this in front of your bed and look that everyday to remember how you treated her like a shit." He stopped. "Yeah, you can have it."

I went near him. "Ryland don't do it to me." I hold his hands. "You can't imagine how much I'm hurting. I read her diary and I want to die instead of her."