c • r • u • s • h // ryland storms

• d i x i e •

10th July 2020

I was laying on my bed, listening to Addison and Mads's reprimand.

"Why aren't you listening to me?" Mads threw a pillow to my head.

"Cause you didn't say anything but he is bad for me." I said. "I know it Mads.I know he is bad for me. I know he cheated on me, I know he will cheat again. I know he doesn't love me." I released my tears I've been holding.

Addison hugged me. "Then why you are with him?"

"Cause I love him, I need him." I said. "I wanna live this even though I know there is no happy ending."

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18th July 2020

"The person you are calling is currently unavailable, please hold the line."

"I'm gonna fuck this motherfucker line." I yelled and threw my phone to wall.

13 missed call.

"13 reasons why you should end this relationship." said my demon.

"Shut up." I yelled.

"I'm wonder who is the girl he is fucking right now." said my demon.

"Shut.the.fuck.up!" I yelled again.

"Poor Lana, your anger makes me bigger, stronger and darker." he laughed.

He didn't stop laughing, screaming and driving me crazy.

I started to hitting my head to the wall. "Please stop, please. I'm begging you, please stop laughing and screaming."

I sat on the floor, my head between my hands, pulling my own hair, hitting my head to wall and crying.

"Will you stop if I kill myself?" I asked pathetically.

"Yess." he hissed. "Cause we will be gone forever."

I went to bathroom to find something I can use for killing myself. Then I looked at the mirror, my face was looking like shit. My makeup is running, my hair is messy just like my room.

I hit the mirror and broke it.Grabbed a piece of glass and turned back to my room. Sat on the ground,my arm is bleeding because I just broke the mirror with my elbow.

Should I really kill myself? Am I brave enough to do it? If I kill myself does it make me brave or just a coward? Would anyone cry for me except Addison, Jaden and Mads? Would my parents start to care about me? Would Ryland care me?

"Why are you yelling again?" Dixie came in my room. When she saw me sitting on the floor, my arm is bleeding and my room is a mess she came and hugged me.

  "Lana, what happened?" I couldn't answer cause I was crying.

   "Okay, just breathe babe." She grabbed my chin. "Look at my face, Lana. I want you to breathe. Do it with me. In and out. Breathe in, breathe out."

  I did what she said. A few minutes later I calmed down, she looked at my arm. "What did you do?"

  "I needed to end this shit." I said.