c • r • u • s • h // ryland storms

• l a s t p a g e o f d i a r y •

6th October 2021

Dear Diary,

   Today I had a nightmare. If I had seen that two months ago, it would be a good dream for me. I was standing on the edge of Goldengate, then I don't know what happened, I thought I could fly and I stepped out off. When I realized that I'm dying, I wanted to scream but I couldn't, my head was underwater. I woke up from in tears, in Ryland's arms. He kissed me and said "As long as I'm here, no one can't hurt you."

   I guess I'm just nervous because of wedding. Wedding is a big responsibility and I don't like responsibilities, but I'll do for Ryland.

  That nightmare affected me so bad, I'm still shaking, my heart still hurts. There is a weird pain in my stomach, I usually feel like this when something bad happened or about to be happen.

  Ryland is not in home, he went to hairdresser with Jaden. Boys should be in home, some of them are in another hairdresser, actually I don't know where are they. Amelie and Blake should be in Amelie's house, in Malibu. As I know Blake stayed there. Nessa and Mads had a fight, I'm still angry them, why they gotta fight before my wedding? They won't even go to same hair saloon. Addison should be in her home, getting ready. Dixie and Charli too. So I'm alone in the house. I know I should've wear my bridal but I'm feeling bad, and I guess I'll just wait for a while to feel better. Maybe I can write a song, it always helps me.

  Oh, God, I got my inspiration. Two songs in my mind, I better write them before forget.

"I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
Not what you'd think
And if I'm being honest
It might've been a nightmare
To anyone who might care
Thought I could fly (fly)
So I stepped off the Golden, mm
Nobody cried (cried, cried, cried, cried)
Nobody even noticed
I saw them standing right there
Kinda thought they might care (might care, might care)
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me
And you say, "As long as I'm here
No one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change
The way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you hear
They don't deserve you"
I tried to scream
But my head was underwater
They called me weak
Like I'm not just somebody's daughter
Coulda been a nightmare
But it felt like they were right there
And it feels like yesterday was a year ago
But I don't wanna let anybody know
'Cause everybody wants something from me now
And I don't wanna let 'em down
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me
And you say, "As long as I'm here
No one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change
The way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you hear
They don't deserve you"
If I knew it all then would I do it again?
Would I do it again?
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head
What would they say instead?
If I knew it all then would I do it again?
Would I do it again?
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head
What would they say instead?"

  I guess that's pretty good, huh?

"We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January
This is our place, we make the rules
And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear
Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?
Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home
You're my, my, my, my lover
We could let our friends crash in the living room
This is our place, we make the call
And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you
I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all
Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)
You're my, my, my, my lover
Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?
With every guitar string scar on my hand
I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover
My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue
All's well that ends well to end up with you
Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover
And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me
And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover
Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)
You're my, my, my, my
Oh, you're my, my, my, my
Darling, you're my, my, my, my lover"

This one is the prettiest song I've ever written. There is no better way to describe my love to Ryland. I just decided, when we get older, I'll let Ryland to read my diary. So I'll write a part for him now.

   " My darling,
   It was three years ago tonight that you first told me you loved me and kissed me. I was a bit angry to you that times cause I was having a hard time confess myself that I was in love with you. You changed my life that evening and put us on a path that has brought us such joy.

   When I look at you today, I realize my love for you grows deeper, richer, and more satisfying as time goes by. Whenever something good happens, you're the first person I want to tell. When something bad happens, I know that I can count on you to take me in your arms and tell me everything will be alright.

  I'm the luckiest woman in the world because I can truly say that I'm in love with my best friend. There's not another man in the world that can hold a candle to you, my darling, and I just wanted let you know that I love you more than even the most heartfelt words can express.

  Now we're getting married. I'm so excited for it. Before I met you, I didn't believe it was possible to love someone so deeply and completely, but you have given me faith that true love really does exist because I share it with you.

  I love you Ryland, more than anything...
  Yours, Lana🤍 "