I'm No Good At Goodbyes

Chapter 38

Sierra's POV

I felt exhausted after using all of the energy I could scrape up to communicate with Austin letting him know that I was okay and to speak his name. I was nervous I wasn't going to get the I love you out but I wasn't going to stop until I did. I knew if I kept trying I was going to ruin things and put myself back into the perpetual hurdling down the rabbit hole again and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I took a seat realizing that Austin was going to have to be content with the minimal form of communication he got from me today because I don't think I could handle much more no matter how badly I wanted to give it to him. My ears perked up as I heard him start to talk to me in a low almost slow drawl. 

He sounded so tired and so scared and in an instant I went from having the desire to just sleep and wake up and see how much more I could communicate with him to hoping and praying that he was going to be okay. I wanted to reach out and tell him to sleep, I was coming back to him he didn't need to be so scared, that he needed to be strong for our son. But when I got my mental self up to try and make something happen I failed greatly. Feeling defeated I sat down, his voice echoing in my head as he continued talking to me.

"Sierra baby, I have never felt more lost and alone then I do right now. I know I caused this, I caused you laying here. If I never fucked up with Melo you would've came home to me and she never would've showed back up making you leave me.

"My heart broke when you left me again Sierra. I kept thinking back to the day you actually did leave me and I couldn't let that happen again. I followed you Si, I tried to stop you I tried so hard but you wouldn't listen to me and I don't blame you. If I were you I wouldn't listen to me either" he said with a laugh in his voice.

I sat back against the walls of my head which continued to trap me here away from him with tears in my eyes as I listened to him trying to take the blame for all of this when he shouldn't be bearing that weight alone. He was right, I didn't listen to him, I didn't let him explain things. I was seeing one sided refusing to allow him to let me see his. It was unfair, it was me acting impulsively which wasn't fair to him.

No Austin please don't take the blame for this baby, please this wasn't all your fault it was mine too. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

I listened intently as I heard him let out a long sigh, the creaking of the chair as he moved to make himself more comfortable as I winced at the pain he must be in from sleeping there. He readjusted my small hand in his, as I felt the gentle rubbing of his thumb electrifying every nerve in my hand, the feeling sending chills up my arm that he no doubt noticed since he let out a light chuckle. His lips pressed against my skin softly before he started speaking to me again.

"You know Si, I want more than anything to be Trevor's Dad. I always felt a connection with him and you did such a good job raising him on your own. He is such a sweet and caring little boy. It broke my heart when I found out that I let him down, I never wanted to do that. That is not the kind of Dad that I want to be. I want to be there and be the best fucking role model I can be and I'm not off to a very good start" he chuckled, and I imagined him rubbing the back of his neck like he always does when he gets nervous. 

"I hope when this whole fucking mess is over that you still want me to be his Dad SiSi. I promise you that I will do the best fucking job I can to make him a man that you will be proud of when he grows up. And where I fail, I'm sure Rich will step in. He is a great father and he loves Trevor so much too, sometimes I think he loves him more than he loves me" he laughed. A smile came across my face as I imagined what his would look like even if it was for just the smallest of moments, his smile wide and his eyes squinting as he let out his beautiful laugh. He was always so beautiful when he laughed and I tried to make him do it as often as I could.