I'm No Good At Goodbyes

Chapter 52

We flew back to Utah in a sad silence, Rich and Jodie trying to be as comforting as possible given the current situation but really all I wanted was to be alone with Austin, his words and just being around him the only thing that would comfort me with what we were going through.

We sat ourselves a decent ways away from the rest of the people who cared for us the most, Jodie and Rich trying to keep Trevor occupied as much as possible so he wouldn't see me in constant tears whenever he would look back at us. It didn't help my constant flow of sadness that we were both forced to leave the hospital due to travel arrangements without having a definitive answer as to what had caused the miscarriage. I was beside myself wondering what I had done wrong as Austin did his best to reassure me that I had done everything right, but maybe it just wasn't our time to have a baby.

Although his words were meant to be reassuring, they only broke my heart further. I knew that he was trying to be as strong as he could possibly be for me, but I could see the heartbreak in his eyes each time he looked at me. I knew how hard this had to be for him, he was so excited about bringing this baby into the world with me. This was everything he had wanted since we've been back together and I wanted to give him this more than anything else in the whole world. I think that was why it was so hard for me to look at him knowing that I had ripped everything away from him that he wanted the most, no matter how much he tried to convince me that it was going to be okay.

I sat curled into his side, my tears showing no sign of subsiding as I quietly sobbed into his chest. Austin held me for more hours than I could count, neither of us sleeping last night as all I could do was cry, and today wasn't looking to be any more promising than the remainder of the day yesterday had been. Doctor McCarthy was generous enough to make us an appointment with our doctor back in Utah to take the next steps and as much as I wanted to delay it, I knew that pulling off the band aid would be the right step to take, not only for my recovery but the recovery of Austin as well.

I sat up just slightly as Austin shifted his body weight to be in a more comfortable position, reclining both of our chairs as he opened his arms back up to me allowing me to fall into the comfortable feeling of his chest, his arms wrapped around me tightly as he placed a soft, loving kiss into the crown of my head. We sat like this for several minutes, his warm breaths tickling my scalp before I felt him intake a large breath of air, an indication to me that he was ready to talk.

"Sierra baby, will you look at me please?" he asked, his voice almost pleading as I had done everything I possibly could to avoid his caring gaze since we found out the news, knowing that just looking into his eyes would make everything feel that much worse. But, I couldn't avoid it any longer. He was the one and only person that could pull me out of the inevitable depression I knew I was going to be in. I took a deep breath as I slowly lifted my eyes up to meet his.

I saw his gaze turn from warm and caring, to cold and sad as he was finally able to fully focus on my crumbled and depressed state. My eyes were red and swollen from the countless hours of tears that were still surprisingly able to fall from the depths of my irises, my face a blotchy red mess, a typical reaction whenever I had cried a lot, and my overall expression somber at best. I heard him let out a deep sigh as he gave me a small smile, leaning down as he pressed his lips against mine. He held them there longer than I had thought before pulling away from me and wrapping me in his comforting embrace once again.

"Baby, I know that this is really hard but please try to not be so sad" he said to me quietly, his hands slowly moving up and down my arm as he spoke to me.

"Austin, none of this was supposed to happen baby. None of this. This was supposed to be our happy ending, this was everything we've ever wanted and now it's all gone" I cried, sitting up so I could look at him as his thumbs came up to wipe away at the tears that were falling quickly from my lashes.