I'm No Good At Goodbyes

Chapter 40

I woke up the next morning with Trevor curled onto my chest, my arm laying gently behind his back and my other resting gently on my stomach. I don't remember climbing under the covers last night, but smiled thinking that Jodie probably came in and threw one on top of me. I picked my head up placing my lips softly on the top of his head as I gently picked him up and placed him on his pillow, grabbing one of the stuffed animals in the corner and putting it close to him so he thought it was still me he was laying next to. I grabbed the extra blanket off the bed, laying it over my arm as I quietly walked out of Trevor's room and headed towards the bathroom. 

I dropped the blanket at the door, quietly shutting it behind me as it sounded like Jodie wasn't awake yet, and turned the shower water on as hot as it would go. I stepped inside and let the scalding water bite at my skin, knowing that it would be sufficiently red by the time I got out. I stood silent letting the water wash over me as all of the events that happened started racing through my head. Everything was building up so greatly that I couldn't hold it in anymore. I rested my head up against the cool tile of the shower wall, the contrast between that and the water sending chills over my body, my fingers laced behind my head as I started to cry. 

Sierra has been through so much since I met her. Her life since she made the decision of moving out here with that asshole Zach has been like hell on earth. I had promised her a better life. A life where her and Trevor would never have to worry about being left alone, being hurt, or worry that they were not enough and I let her, no I let them both, down. Everything I promised her I let shatter into a million pieces after one fucking night and now she was laying in a hospital bed. I pulled my hand from behind my head, forming it into a fist as I started hitting the tiled wall, my sobs coming out of me loudly not even caring if Jodie or Trevor heard me from outside. 

Never in my life had I wanted to just disappear, sit alone in my house and waste away to nothing for what I did to her, maybe even drink myself incoherent until someone cared enough to come and make sure I was okay. She was everything to me, and she always has been since the day I saw her at the grill. I never wanted to hurt her ever, and I ended up doing just that.  I pulled myself together after what felt like several minutes, letting the water wash over my face taking the tears that hung tightly to my cheeks with it as my anguish gently swirled its way down the drain. I turned off the water pushing open the curtain and grabbing the white towel from the sink starting to dry myself off before wrapping it tightly around my waist. 

Having my breakdown in the shower I felt was something that I truly needed to have happen so that I could have a clear head and decide how I was going to make everything up to her from this point forward. I had a lot of responsibility right now, and it held more importance to me than everything I carried the weight of before. I had to be there for Trevor, let him know that everything was okay, and be strong for him so that he could keep himself together. I also had to be strong for Sierra. I needed her to know now more than ever that I was ready for this. I was ready to be a Dad I was ready to be her husband and I was ready to spend our future together. 

I unlocked the door as I walked quietly back across the hall to the guestroom, smiling to see that Trevor was still sleeping soundly, his arms wrapped tightly around the stuffed sloth that I put next to him. I walked over to the corner grabbing my bag off of the chair returning back to the bathroom to get dressed for the day. I dropped my bag back off in the guest room, closing the door but not latching it so I could hear when Trevor woke up. I picked the blanket up off of the floor outside of the bathroom as I headed towards the living area, folding it up and resting it over the back of the couch. I pulled my cellphone out of my back pocket to see that it was only 7-no wonder why no one else was up in the house-but I needed to call my Dad and see how she was doing. I hit his name, putting the phone up to my ear as I fell into his favorite recliner waiting for him pick up.