I'm No Good At Goodbyes

Chapter 53

I held on to him for what felt like years, relaxing him and reassuring him in a very similar manner I would relax and reassure my son. I was trying so hard to be strong for him right now, especially since I know he needed this. It would be selfish of me to be the only one letting out their emotions for our baby who we would never be able to meet. I wanted nothing more than to be there for him like he was there for me, we needed each other to get through this and if it meant for me to hold in my tears and my sadness for however long he needed me too than I would.

I rubbed his back softly, his shoulders shaking against me as I felt his warm tears land on my shoulders and heard quiet sniffles come from him as he let out all of the pain and anguish he was feeling at the loss of our baby. I wish I had more words to say to him, but I knew that me holding him in my arms was more than enough for him right now.

"Ocean eyes, it's going to be okay. We're going to get through this" I said to him quietly, my lips softly pressing against his temple before I rested my head against his again, both of our stares looking in opposite directions as we each found our own particular part of the room to settle our focus, only able to imagine what it would be like if it contained the life of our precious baby.

He sat up from my embrace what felt like hours later, his hands gently cupping the sides of my face as he pressed a soft kiss to my lips, what was left of his tears sliding between our kiss. He broke away with a small suction sound as I brought up my thumbs and wiped away the wetness that littered his cheeks, making the tattoos under his eyes look glossy and vibrant as he let out a shy smile.

"Are you okay baby?" I asked him, my hand finding his as I laced his fingers between mine my thumb gently rubbing over the peaks and valleys of his knuckles, my head tilted to the side just slightly as I gave him what I was hoping to be a reassuring smile.

He nodded his head with a shy laugh, almost as if he was embarrassed that he had even cried in the first place as I placed my right hand up on his cheek shaking my head just slightly as my eyes danced with his blue ones, now taking on a more darker shade to accompany the somber feeling that was flowing through his body.

"Don't be embarrassed baby, I think I'd be concerned if you didn't let it out," I said with a sweet smile. "I know that this hurts you just as much as it hurts me and I'm sorry that I was being selfish with my feelings and not letting you express yours" I said to him, suddenly feeling an overwhelming feeling of guilt for what a diva I was being about everything that had happened.

He leaned in and placed a quick kiss on my forehead, the thumb mimicking my actions as it ran over the significantly smaller peaks and valleys of my knuckles. "You weren't being selfish baby girl, you were acting how any mother would act who lost her baby" he said, his left hand gently running down my jaw line as he gave me a shy smile that didn't quite meet his eyes.

"You know Austin, I was thinking" I said to him as I laid myself back on the bed, Austin's body following mine as I curled onto his chest closing my eyes to the steady rhythm of his heart as I let out a long breath. "We didn't really loose our nugget. He or she will always be with us, right here" I said placing my hand over his heart as I tilted my head up to look at him.

I felt him lay his hand on top of mine, his fingertips barely resting in the spaces between mine as he squeezed it gently, his lips pressing hard to my forehead as I closed my eyes tightly in an attempt to secure the tears from drifting from my eyes as I felt his lips pull away from my skin, his free hand rubbing up and down my back as he rested his head on top of mine. I knew that he was still fairly emotional since he had transformed into a man of few words, his actions speaking for him instead.

Finally running out of things to say, I decided that laying in each other's embrace was going to be the best medicine for the both of us right now, just the feeling of being in his arms giving me exactly what I needed to feel at peace with the situation, at least for now. I knew that this pain wasn't over, and I knew that there was going to be good days and there were going to be bad days but right now in this moment with Austin things felt like they were going to be okay. Without even realizing it I felt my eyes start to get heavy as I curled more into Austin's chest, both of his arms wrapping around me and holding me tightly as I felt his lips press against the crown of my head before the feeling of his cheek reclaimed its spot.