best of me | woosan (✓)

- twenty six -

tw / suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt and self harm

san couldn't stop thinking of how broken seonghwa had looked for days after the boy had apologized. he partially blamed himself for it, despite knowing it was seonghwa who put himself in the position. he felt like he should've just fully forgiven the boy, but deep inside he simply wasn't ready.

wooyoung was fast asleep when san got up and went to the bathroom, shaking. things were getting bad again, but san was too scared to tell wooyoung that. he didn't want wooyoung to worry. he didn't want anyone to worry. he hated worrying others, it made him feel like he was a burden to them.

san dug through the bathroom cabinets and found replacement razor blades, and quickly pulled one out. he sighed a bit in both relief and sadness, then pulled down his sweatpants and stared at the patch on his thigh that had been healing so nicely. without hesitation, san started going at his thigh, numb to the pain. tears silently flowed down his cheeks as he pulled the blade across, one cut after another.

"i-i'm sorry, woo... y-you deserve so much b-better..." he muttered softly under his breath.

san's hands shook violently, to the point where he couldn't hold the blade in his hand anymore and dropped it on the counter. he just wanted to feel something, anything. he frantically looked around, trying to find anything that he could hurt himself with.

when he couldn't find anything, he got the idea that maybe it would just be best if he numbed himself permanently. he wondered if things would be easier if his demons were numbed away. he wasn't thinking rationally, he just wanted to drown out his demons. he didn't think about how drowning them out would drown him too.

san went back into the cabinet and pulled out a pill bottle. pain pills that san had been prescribed when he first sprained his wrist so horribly. he had refused to take them, he didn't like them. but now... he needed them. he dumped half the bottle into his hands, his other hand shaking. he dropped the rest of the bottle, scattering pills over the bathroom floor. deep down, he wanted it to be loud enough for wooyoung to hear and find him, but he knew it wasn't.

his inner demons took over as he brought his hand to his mouth, shoving the pills inside. his mouth was too dry to swallow, his throat felt like it was closing up as he tried to get the pills down. he had two choices, spit them out, or get water to wash them down. he didn't even think before he broke down though. he couldn't do it.

san frantically spit out the pills, finally feeling the burning in his throat, and looked around at the mess he had made. guilt consumed him when he realized how far he had gone. how he almost broke his promise to wooyoung. he almost left him, when he said he'd never leave.

he didn't bother cleaning it up just yet, he just knew he needed wooyoung. he rushed to their room and to the bed, beginning to shake the younger boy.

"w-wooyoung.... w-woo... i-i need you..." he cried.

it didn't take much for wooyoung to jolt up at the sound of san's cries. he looked at the boy and quickly noticed the blood running down his leg, gasping and getting up. he started to pull san towards the door, but san refused.

"n-not y-yet... i-i just— c-can i have a hug first?"

wooyoung frowned and nodded, noticing how broken san's tone was. he hugged the boy tightly, allowing san to sob freely in his arms.

"i-i'm s-sorry, woo... i-i'm so s-sorry..."

"sannie... hey, you have no reason to be sorry... it's okay, you can't control urges sometimes... shh..."

"n-no... i-it's not j-just—"

"what happened, san? it's okay, you can tell me..."

"i-i— n-no... i-i can't..."

"that's okay, sannie... can we get you cleaned up then?" wooyoung asked softly.

san nodded, gripping wooyoung's hand tightly.

"i-i made a m-mess, woo... i-i'm s-sorry..."

"that's okay, love... we'll clean it up."

san stayed silent as the two walked into the bathroom, and wooyoung gasped quietly at the sight. san whimpered loudly, knowing that he had most definitely hurt wooyoung with his attempt. instead of saying anything, wooyoung just pulled san back into a hug and began to sway lightly.

"i'm s-sorry... i-i'm so s-sorry..." san started to mumble, crying.

"hey... sannie, it's okay... it's okay, love, you're okay..."

"i-i hurt you..."

wooyoung shook his head, then guided san over to sit on the toilet so he could help get him cleaned up.

"you didn't hurt me, sannie... you hurt yourself, i'm just upset that you think you deserve this. you're an amazing person, you do so much for me and our friends and go out of your way to put a smile on our faces... now when are you going to go out of your way to put a smile on your own?"

san simply stared at wooyoung, thinking about what he had just said. wooyoung grabbed some paper towels and picked up the spit out pills from the sink, putting them in the trash, then grabbed a cloth and wet it with warm water.

"this is gonna sting, love..." wooyoung said softly, kneeling down in front of san.

san nodded slightly, resting his hand on wooyoung's shoulder. wooyoung started to clean up san's leg, pressing kisses to the boy's jaw when he whimpered out in pain.

"i've got you, sannie... forever and always," wooyoung muttered softly, getting up and grabbing ointment to put on san's wounds.

"y-you mean that?"

"of course i do. you mean everything to me..."

wooyoung started to apply the ointment, paying careful attention to every line san had made. san sighed a bit, feeling defeated. he just wanted his demons to go away so he could be happy.

"i love you," wooyoung whispered.

"i-i love you too, woo..."

"san... i think that maybe we need to get you some help. i-i can't lose you..."

"i-i— no, w-wooyoung... i-i can't..."

"i'll be with you every step of the way... i'll go to appointments with you, i'll wait outside if i'm not allowed in... i'll make sure you're doing everything they tell you to do. i just want you to finally realize your worth..."

"y-you think it'll work?" san asked.

"i do... i really do, sannie."

san nodded and took a deep breath, grabbing wooyoung's hand.

"i'll do it... for us."