best of me | woosan (✓)

- fourty -

tw / mention of self harm & past suicide attempt

"he needs to take care of himself and he isn't, san. i-i don't know what to do, what am i supposed to say?"

"hey, calm down. just say you want him to take a couple of hours, go back to his dorm, shower and nap. make sure he knows it's because you want him to take care of himself too, if he needs the reassurance that you'll be okay then either wooyoung or myself will stay here with you and the other will go with him. sound good?"

"thank you... i've just been noticing that he's not sleeping or eating as much... a-and all he cares about is whether i'm doing okay and if i'm eating and sleeping..."

"he's gonna be alright, i promise. we'll make sure of it."

"i really do appreciate it..."

"it's really no problem, joongie. i promise."

"now... can you tell me more about this therapist you were mentioning earlier?"

san sighed and nodded, squeezing hongjoong's hand a bit.

"i'm just going to say this first... i'm sorry that i never told you guys about what was going on. i just felt like such a burden, i didn't want you guys to worry about me."

"san..."

"i started self harming when i was 15. i was too scared of death, but i felt like i deserved pain. i wanted to die, but i didn't... things really started to get bad last year. my parents made me feel like i deserved to die.

"the day i met woo... that could've been the last day of my life, i-i was genuinely thinking of doing it. he saved me. he really saved me, and i'll never be able to show him how grateful i truly am.

"i got clean for a while, i was able to stop self harming and i was really proud of myself. then everything with yeosang and seonghwa happened and i relapsed. it was so much worse than i expected, and if wooyoung hadn't come to the cemetery that night, i don't know how much longer i would've lasted. h-he saved me again. and he unintentionally helped me to stay clean, until you relapsed.

"i felt like i had failed you, but i wouldn't tell anyone that. you had been doing so well, i was so proud and it felt good to see you like that when i've seen you through all of your ups and downs. a-and then you relapsed, and i blamed myself. w-when i took away your blade, i felt an itch and desperately wanted to use it. i tried to avoid caving, but i did. that was the day that wooyoung found out i had been cutting.

"once again, he helped me to get better. i was working on getting clean, a-and i had a few slip ups that not even woo knows about, but i was trying. then, seonghwa apologized. he told us how he felt, how he didn't think he deserved to be alive because of all the pain he had caused. i blamed myself for him feeling that way.

"i started to have extremely bad thoughts, and then one night when woo was sleeping, i started going at it again. i couldn't stop, i just wanted to feel something. and when i didn't... i tried to kill myself. i-i couldn't go through with it. i had the pills in my mouth, but i couldn't swallow them. a-and then i thought about wooyoung, and even without being in the room, he saved me.

"he's my reason to keep going, and he helped me find a therapist. they put me on a couple of medications, and i've been seeing my therapist weekly. i'm doing a lot better now. i still have my bad days, but i'm getting there. at first i was doing everything for wooyoung, because i knew it meant a lot to him. but now, i'm doing it for me as well."

"oh my god... sannie, i'm so sorry you were dealing with things by yourself. you know you're never going to be a burden to me or our friends... we love you so much."

"i love you guys too.. but you know how it is, even if you know you have people who are there it feels like you don't. i'm sorry for never telling you..."

"don't be sorry, please.. if anyone should be sorry, it should be me. i'm so sorry that i never noticed."

"joongie, no. you weren't supposed to notice, i didn't want anyone to. don't be sorry... just promise me something."

"anything."

"don't be like me. don't hide things like i did. i know you haven't done that much in the past, but don't ever start to. and please, let seonghwa help you. he loves you so much... let him be your reason to see why life is worth it. i know you've been trying for years to get better and you're probably over having to go through this cycle, but give it time. maybe seonghwa was the missing piece to the puzzle and you'll actually feel like you're making progress this time. just don't give up, please. i don't want to live in a world that my best friend's not a part of."

"i promise. i won't give up, i'll give this a shot... and i won't hide, never. i'm not gonna let you down, san."

"thank you.." san whispered, hearing the door start to open, seonghwa and wooyoung entering the room.

"joongie," seonghwa said softly, a bright smile on his face. "i got you a smoothie..."

"thank you, seongie... thank you so much."

san smiled and got up, allowing seonghwa to take his place as he walked over to wooyoung.

"did you talk to him?" wooyoung whispered.

"about a lot, yeah... but he's gonna try to get seonghwa to go home, that's the most important thing."

"good. what else did you two talk about?"

"me... he was curious about why i have a therapist, so i told him. and i made him promise me that he'd never do what i did and hide it from everyone."

"good.. i'm glad you told him, it's good for both of you."

wooyoung and san hugged gently before sitting down, quietly continuing their conversation while hongjoong and seonghwa discussed how seonghwa should go home and take a break.

"b-but joongie... why?"

"you haven't been taking care of yourself, hwa... please just go for a couple of hours, take a shower, a nap... eat some food. you can come back later, it's not like i want you to leave for good."

"but will you be okay?"

"i'll be just fine, seongie. if you need reassurance of that, wooyoung or san will stay here... it's up to you."

"i-i don't want to go..."

"seonghwa..."

seonghwa sighed a bit, chewing his lip.

"f-fine... only for you. but i want one of them to stay here, i need to be able to check in," seonghwa begged quietly.

"that's perfectly fine, as long as you'll go. i need you to take care of yourself too, not just me."

"i will, i promise."

"good. thank you, seongie..."

"anything for you, my love."

wooyoung and san looked between each other, smiling brightly. seonghwa and hongjoong's love was absolutely beautiful, and they knew the two were meant to be.