best of me | woosan (✓)

- thirty eight -

tw / mention of suicidal thoughts, past suicide attempts and self harm

"san? are you okay?" wooyoung asked quietly, resting his hand on san's knee as they sat in hongjoong's room.

"honestly... not really..." he sighed. "joongie's been doing so well, i didn't see this coming at all..."

"you can never know what to expect, love... you know that."

"i-i do..."

"i know i didn't expect you to attempt... it's still hard sometimes knowing you tried..."

"i'm sorry, woo..."

"no, don't be sorry, sannie... i just wanted to remind you that you never know what's running through another person's head, and my experience with you is what showed me that. it's not your fault, yeah?"

san nodded, resting his head on wooyoung's shoulder.

"he's going to be okay, san. and this time, we'll make sure he knows he's not battling this alone."

"how?"

"what would you say about moving into an apartment closer to campus?"

"we can't afford that..."

"yes we can, i have all the money that was supposed to be for university still in my bank account. that will get us through close to a year's worth of rent if we get a small place."

"you're sure you can do that? w-what about jisu? and your parents?"

"my parents want me happy, san. and you've even said this yourself, jisu would want me happy too... i can still go back and visit, it's not like i'm saying goodbye forever."

"let's do it..."

"that's exactly what i was hoping to hear," wooyoung said with a small smile. "once we have a place, we can be there for all of our friends a lot easier. and they can come over whenever they need us."

"thank you, woo..."

"no need to thank me, sannie."

seonghwa began to stir a bit, gaining both wooyoung and san's attention as they looked up at where he sat, holding hongjoong's hand.

"hwa... hey, how are you doing?" wooyoung asked softly, getting up and walking over to seonghwa's side.

the older boy took one look at hongjoong and started to cry, shaking his head. he wished it had been him instead... it should've been him.

"i-i could've lost him, woo... do you know how that feels?"

wooyoung glanced over to san, asking for his approval to tell seonghwa. san simply nodded, realizing how important it was for seonghwa to know he wasn't alone.

"i do..."

"w-what? h-how?"

"san attempted, hwa. it was a couple months ago, and he couldn't go through with it, but he did attempt."

"w-why? san, why?"

"i was at war with myself, seonghwa. i still am, sometimes. i just didn't want to deal with my demons anymore, i wasn't thinking straight and i wanted to get rid of them, i really wasn't in the right mindset to realize what i'd be doing to myself. i tried to swallow a handful of pills, but my throat started to close up and i couldn't do it... i could've grabbed water, but the thought of leaving wooyoung behind stopped me."

"t-then why didn't joongie stop?"

"i'm not him. he's been dealing with his demons a lot longer than i have, it's possible that he couldn't even think of anything other than getting rid of them. he wouldn't willingly leave you, seonghwa. whether he's accepted it or not, he loves you."