best of me | woosan (✓)

- fifty eight -

tw / mention of past suicide attempt

san was extremely hesitant about checking into a residential program, especially after wooyoung's breakdown. wooyoung still wouldn't tell him exactly why he didn't want san to go, however san was slowly picking up on it. wooyoung constantly clung to san's side, and it was beginning to worry san.

"hey, woo? yeosang texted me and asked me if you're okay... you've been ignoring his texts."

"i don't want to talk to him."

"why not, love? what's going on?"

"i just don't."

san was beginning to get frustrated with wooyoung. he wanted to know so badly what was going through his head, but he wasn't being let in. he couldn't let wooyoung fall apart, he would feel like a failure. so he pushed. and man, he regretted it.

"you can't keep doing this, wooyoung. eventually people are going to give up. stop pushing everyone away. stop it," san snapped.

"this is the only way to make everything stop, san. you have no idea how fucking hard i've tried. i don't need to be reminded of what i already know. i know people are going to give up and i'm going to end up all alone. i-i just... i can't do this anymore, it's too much."

"wooyoung, what are you saying?"

"i know what i'm saying, san. i-i can't keep up this facade anymore. everything hurts. grieving is killing me, i-i'm all done."

"baby... i'm here. you can always lean on me, y'know."

"i-i just... you need help too, san. i-i can't help you anymore, i-i'm not enough... i-i feel just like i did when i first caught ji. useless. a-and then... everything she did sent me over the edge, a-and i lost control myself. i-i don't trust myself anymore, so i-i'm giving up."

"what do you mean?"

"san... i tried to kill myself. b-back when ji was still here. she saved me, s-she unknowingly helped me get better. but while she helped me, she wasn't helping herself. i-i can't go through that again."

"why did you never tell me?" san muttered weakly, his eyes filling with tears.

"because i wanted to be strong... i needed to be strong."

"you didn't need to. you should've just told me, woo."

"i-i'm sorry... i just... i didn't think it was important, y'know?"

"woo... don't forget that i've tried too. you still love me despite my flaws, so why would that change how i love you?"

"i-i don't—"

"i love you, okay? and i'm not going anywhere."

"b-but—"

"woo, i'm not going until i'm sure you're not going to feel like i'm leaving you by doing this. i can't lose you, okay? i'm terrified of losing you."

"san..."

"no... don't argue with me on this, okay?"

wooyoung sighed, but nodded and rested his head on san's shoulder.

"i'm sorry for never telling you, sannie..."

"don't be sorry... what's important is that you've told me now. i love you, okay? i love you so much."

"i-i love you more..."

"i don't know if you still want to now, but i'm sorry that you ever felt so awful that you turned to suicide. maybe it's selfish of me, but i'm glad you didn't succeed... because if you had, i wouldn't have met the love of my life."

"san..."

"you are the love of my life, woo. i'm not kidding."

things grew quiet, wooyoung tracing shapes on san's side.

"you know what's funny? i barely remember the night i tried... i remember being on a bridge one second, and the next i was at home, laying in my bed with jisu next to me, and we were watching one of our favorite movies," wooyoung explained quietly a few minutes later.

"what movie?"

wooyoung smiled small at the thought, looking up at san.

"up."

"the disney movie?"

wooyoung nodded. he had always loved that movie. yet when jisu died, he stopped watching it. it reminded him too much of her.

"cute. maybe we should watch it sometime."

"i'd like that a lot..."

san smiled small and kissed wooyoung's forehead, glad that he was finally beginning to calm down. it terrified him to see wooyoung like this. he felt like wooyoung would slip through his fingers at any given moment.

"oh, woo? can you please try to text sangie back?"

"y-yeah... later, though."

"i'll tell him that you haven't been on your phone much and that you'll get back to him soon then... he's really worried."

"okay..."

"don't worry, baby. it's going to be okay," san soothed, noticing how wooyoung tensed.

"promise?"

"i promise."

wooyoung cuddled further into san's side, finally feeling a bit more relaxed and allowing his tiredness to finally take over. san didn't say anything, he just held the boy close and kissed his head, watching the boy fall asleep peacefully.

peace... that's all san wanted for them. he just hoped they could find it.