best of me | woosan (✓)

- fifty seven -

tw / mention of self harm, suicidal thoughts

"hwa? are you okay?" hongjoong asked, seeing seonghwa frozen in his place.

"yeah... i am. just shocked..."

"what happened?"

"wooyoung... he's upset about something. he ran out after breaking the plate."

"what was that?" san asked worriedly, coming downstairs.

he looked around and saw seonghwa and hongjoong in the kitchen, simply staring at the plate and holding each other, wooyoung no where to be found.

"where's woo?"

"he ran out," hongjoong informed.

"shit... um, i'm gonna grab a hoodie for him and go find him."

"we don't know where he—"

"i think i know," san interjected.

he rushed upstairs and changed, then grabbed a hoodie for wooyoung and left the house. he ran down the street and to the cemetery, knowing he would find wooyoung at jisu's headstone.

"i-i don't know what to do anymore, ji. i'm not enough. i-i've never been enough. i wasn't enough to save you, and i'm not enough to save san either. h-he doesn't know too much about you, but i see a little bit of you in him. not to mention you both have so many of the same habits.

"i-i know you were trying to get better, ji. i-i know you swore things were going to be okay when i went to school. but something deep down tells me it wasn't going to be okay. you didn't want to fight anymore. i-i know that even though the car crash is what killed you that you wanted to go. you probably just let it happen, you didn't fight. a-and i miss you like crazy, i really do... but i'm glad you're at peace now.

"i didn't want to lose you, and i don't want to lose san. and now e-even he knows i'm not enough to save him. dad always said that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. i-i guess he was right.

"speaking of dad... i-i never see our parents anymore. i-i live at home, but they're never there. i miss them. i-it hurts to be so alone. i-i know i have san and sangie and all our other friends, but i-i miss my family so much. they were always my second family... but the more time our parents spend away from home, the more they feel like my only family.

"god, i don't know what to do anymore... jisu, i-i need help. i-i can't lose him. i-i already lost you, i can't do this again... p-please... p-please help, ji..."

sobs wracked through wooyoung's body, san silently watching from behind him. tears streaked down his cheeks as he wondered what he should say. he hoped that it would be the right thing.

"y-you never told me jisu was depressed," he said softly, causing wooyoung to turn around.

"it never seemed important..."

"so that's how you know how to care for me so well?"

"i-i guess..."

"i'm sorry, woo."

"sorry? for what?"

"you've got more going on than you let off..."

"i'm fine, san. it just hurts sometimes."

"why are you doing this? shutting me out?"

"it's easier," wooyoung shrugged.

"woo..."

"you want to check into a residential program."

"i need to try something, woo. if i don't, i'm going to—"

"you're going to what? kill yourself?" wooyoung yelled. "kill yourself and leave me and all of our friends? leave me all alone?"

"you're never going to be alone, woo... and that's not what i was doing to say."

"then what were you going to say?"

"it doesn't matter, okay? i just need to get better, and i need more help. therapy isn't enough anymore."

"you relapsed."

"i know i did, woo. and the second i did, i felt guilty. guilty for always putting you through this. i need to try this, baby... for us."

"you're just like her," wooyoung muttered, hugging his knees.

san sat down next to wooyoung, legs crossed, and stared at jisu's headstone.

"really?"

"yeah... she would've absolutely loved you."

"tell me about her."

"she was the pretty sibling, that's for sure. i'll find a picture of her later, but she never recognized her beauty. she was so humble, and a bit insecure, no matter how much the boys and girls at school flocked around her. she was shy, and loved reading. yet at the same time... she hated reading. she got excited over the little things in life, and even though she knew he was gay, i think she had a little bit of a crush on yeosang," wooyoung laughed, but then his face grew serious.

"the first time i caught her cutting, i thought i was going to throw up. not because of the blood, but because she was doing it to herself. i didn't understand why, and sometimes i still wonder. she claimed it was because she wasn't good enough, but it went deeper than that. our parents caught her and started sending her to therapy, and my god... she hated it.

"i laughed at her on her first day. she was pouty about it, so i laughed. and it made her smile. it was the most genuine smile i had seen from her in ages. therapy didn't work, though. she tried to kill her self. not even just a couple times. she tried almost every day for nearly a month, but i always stopped her.

"then one day, i wasn't home. she thought she could do it and yeosang caught her. he didn't know i was still at school with yunho, he came to hang out, and he caught her. he saved her life. she almost succeeded that day, and my best friend saved her. he got her to the hospital and called me, and that was the last time i saw her for six months.

"they took her to a facility that was four hours away and didn't allow visitors without special clearance. it was like a jail... they treated her like she was crazy. when i finally got to see her again, she didn't want to speak to me. she was mad at everyone and everything. she didn't want to live.

"she had been out of there for almost a year when the crash happened. she had been getting a lot better, but i know deep down she was still mad that her last attempt hadn't worked. i'm just glad i got the time with her... even if it did end up coming to an end.

"in a lot of ways i see her in you... from the way you tease me at times to the amount of care you give to me. a-and both of you were depressed of course, but that's a whole different thing. but you know how i always know somethings wrong? it was the same with her. i could feel it, it always felt like something was off when she was having a bad day and it's like that with you now too."

"she sounds like she was a really special girl."

"she was... i find myself lucky to have had her as my sister."

"you absolutely were. and i'm lucky to have you as my boyfriend."

"san..."

"i know. you don't wanna hear it."

"i'm scared, san. i-i can't lose you."

"you won't lose me, woo. that's why i'm doing this. i'm trying to get better, i promise."

"but—"

"i know i relapsed, a-and i know i stopped taking my pills again, but that's all going to stop. i'm going to get better. for both of us."

"i—" wooyoung paused, breaking down into sobs again.

he was terrified. terrified that san being gone would leave him alone forever. he hated being alone. and god, wooyoung felt so selfish for not wanting san to go. he was just so scared that he would be forgotten.

because if there was one thing that wooyoung couldn't bear the thought of, it was loneliness.

-
here's a qotd: what's your favorite kpop choreography?
mine's probably i can't stop me or inception ! for one's i know how to do however, it's prolly blue hour or get cool :)