best of me | woosan (✓)

- fifty two -

tw / self harm, suicidal thoughts

it was around two in the morning when san got up to use the bathroom. he looked around at all the sleeping boys in the room and smiled, happy that they had all come together. yeosang and jongho were cuddled close, showing that the two had clearly made up, and the other couples were cuddled up as well — all but seonghwa and hongjoong.

san's smile faltered a bit when he noticed hongjoong wasn't in the room and quickly made his way upstairs, thinking maybe the boy went to either san and wooyoung's room or the guest room. he got to the top of the stairs and heard hongjoong's cries from the bathroom, worrying the younger.

he knocked softly on the door, causing silence.

"joongie... it's me, it's san. could you please open the door?" he whispered.

"n-no..."

"joongie... please, please let me in... i just want to help you."

hongjoong slowly opened the door, staring into san's eyes with big, watery ones.

"y-you'll help me? h-help me k-kill myself?"

san quickly walked into the bathroom before he answered, shaking his head.

"no... no, joongie, you know better. you know i'd never help you leave me like that..."

hongjoong started sobbing again, falling to his knees. san knelt down beside him and held him tight, allowing him to cry a bit before he asked any questions.

"hongjoong... why didn't you wake seonghwa?"

"i-i tried... h-he wasn't— i-i don't think he wanted me to wake him..."

"what makes you think that?"

"h-he didn't wake up when i tried t-to wake him... i-i—"

"he's probably just really tired, joong. he always wants you to wake him if you need help, yeah?"

hongjoong nodded, then started scratching at his already bloody arm.

"stop it, stop doing that!" san whisper-yelled, grabbing hongjoong's wrist to stop him.

"b-but—"

"no but's. let's get you cleaned up and then we'll go to my room and talk, okay?"

"f-fine.."

san gently helped hongjoong up and sat him on the toilet, then grabbed a wash cloth and dabbed the excess blood away, remembering all the times wooyoung had helped him to clean up, and past times he'd helped hongjoong as well.

once he had gotten hongjoong's arm clean, he wrapped it in bandage, knowing the boy's tendencies to scratch and pick at his cuts.

"t-thank you..." hongjoong whispered.

"c'mon, let's go talk," san muttered, not even acknowledging hongjoong's gratitude.

"san... i-i said thank you."

"i heard you, hongjoong. i just really need for us to get out of here right now, okay?"

hongjoong sensed the urgency in san's voice and nodded, following the boy out of the room quickly and into san's own room.

"do you need woo?" hongjoong whispered.

"i-i'll be fine. let's talk about you though... what happened? seonghwa told me you weren't doing the best, but he also told me you'd been staying clean."

"i-i don't know... i couldn't sleep, i was overwhelmed with bad thoughts. i-i wanted seonghwa to get some sleep a-and i tried to m-manage on my own, but i couldn't... a-and then h-he didn't wake up w-when i tried to g-get him a-and i lost it."

"you haven't asked me if i'd help you kill yourself in almost three years, joongie..."

"you still don't want to..."

"because even though i fucking hate life, i want to learn to like it, no matter how hard it is! a-and i don't want to live in a world without you in it!" san yelled, beginning to feel frustrated with his urge to cut and trying to help hongjoong at the same time.

"san... i-i'm sorry... i-i'm so—"

"don't. don't apologize. please..." san begged.

"i-i'll go wake seonghwa and talk to him..." hongjoong muttered weakly.

"n-no... stop, please... i-i'm sorry, joongie. i just can't lose you... every time i see you like that, i-i'm reminded of how close you've gotten to actually succeeding in killing yourself. i'm not ready to lose my best friend..."

"what i did triggered you, didn't it? you're trying really hard to avoid relapsing..." hongjoong asked nervously, afraid to hear the answer.

"i-i don't want to disappoint wooyoung."

"san... are you sure you don't want me to go get him?"

"i-i need to do this by myself.. i-i can't just depend on him being next to me to stay clean."

"you're doing a lot better than i am..."

"joongie... i-i know it's really hard, a-and you're probably really upset with yourself that you didn't succeed in your last attempt, or that you relapsed, or something of the sort. remember what i said though? about letting seonghwa be your reason to stay? that doesn't mean always being next to him, that just means you let the thought of him divert your attention. you can do it... i know you can."

"what if i can't?"

"i know you, joong. i know you can."

"but—"

"believe me."

"i-i'll try..."

san nodded and the two sat in silence for a couple of minutes as hongjoong calmed down a bit.

"hongjoong?"

"y-yeah?"

"thank you for helping wooyoung and i out these past few weeks. you have no idea how much it means to us."

"it's not just me... it's hwa too."

"i've already thanked him though. since my grandmother died, things have been really rough. woo stopped taking care of himself to take care of me and was beginning to break a bit... then the funeral happened and we were both a bit of a mess. you guys helping us out has really been everything we needed and more. i don't think we would've been remembering to eat every meal or getting anything done around here if it weren't for you two..."

"we love you both so much, you know that?"

"i do... and i'm so grateful for everything."

"i'm glad i'm still here, san. i know i don't act like it and i do stupid shit like i did tonight... but i'm glad seonghwa saved me. i'm not ready to leave yet. we still have a lot of memories waiting to be made..."

san hugged hongjoong tightly, feeling a bit more stable with his thoughts as he did.

"thank you, joong... thank you."

"for what?"

"for staying..."