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19- High Elves

A week had passed since Lupin had occupied all of my free periods and it was safe to say it was quite possibly the worst week of my life.

Every single free I had he would make me sort out stacks and stacks of paperwork, sorting them out by their dates, organising them in chronological order. He would carry on teaching his lesson, it was usually third or second years, not any seventh years or sixth years, they usually had more frees.

Whilst he was teaching he would make me sit aside and sort them. When he was teaching it wasn't that bad, there were other people there and the chatter of stupid second years amused me at least. It was entertaining, their little fights and gossip. It was when he had a free himself, that was when I wanted to off myself.

He would mark exam papers or homework or whatever and for the full hour he wouldn't speak or even look at me. It was literal torture.
It should have been torture because of what he was making me do, but my brain was twisted and fucked up. It wasn't torture because of what he was making me do, it was torture because I was developing some weird twisted fantasy in my brain. I was developing a crush on him.It wasn't just that I found him attractive.
I fancied him.
I fancied my teacher.

The worst thing was, he would completely act as if I wasn't there. At first I thought maybe that detention with him had indicated something, when he touched my lip.
That maybe I wasn't going crazy and that there actually was some sexual tension going on.

I was mistaken.

He didn't care, he wasn't looking at me like that, it was completely one sided and I didn't know how to handle it. I wasn't used to people not fancying me back, usually it was me who didn't fancy them.It was a hit to my ego.
A big one.

So it was torture, sitting in his classroom, whilst he paid me no mind, focused in his own little world. Probably on what he was marking or what he was going to do after he had finished work, probably had a date with someone or maybe he had a whole girlfriend.

I told myself that a crush never lasts, it takes a few weeks and then it just dissipates.
I just needed for it to dissipate.I couldn't hack it any longer, it was actually beginning to hurt.

He wasn't hurting me, I was hurting myself.
I blamed myself for romanticising things that didn't need to be romanticised.It was my own fault.I never knew how much it actually hurt to have a crush on someone who didn't like you back.I just thought everyone who said that was being dramatic. I started feeling guilty for how insensitive I was to people who I knew fancied me that I didn't fancy back.I should have been nicer. If Lupin was to act the way I did to them, I probably would have started crying.It was a wake up call at least.
I needed to do better, be better.

Between this and my detentions with Snape I found myself having no time to just sit down.
All day I would be in a classroom, after lessons I would be in detention with Snape and then because I'd have no time to do any of my work in my free periods I had to do it in my own free time. I hardly saw Draco and Blaise and I'd be up all night doing assignments and homework trying to catch up.

It was hell on Earth and I couldn't wait for Easter holidays to come so I could go home.
I'd rather be nagged by house elves and even father.

I had a free last period so I made my way over to his classroom. There was a stack already there on the desk and he was already marking his own. I sighed when I realised it would just be me and him again and I desperately wished he was teaching a lesson instead. I walked over in silence, he didn't even look up and I started going through them.

About 35 minutes had passed and he had still not looked at me once. I was feeling particularly tired, I had double charms and I was exhausted. I felt my body sagging in my seat and my eyes drooping.
I laid my head on the desk and closed my eyes for a few seconds. He wasn't paying attention he hadn't looked up at all for a full half an hour, he wouldn't have noticed. I had only planned on resting my eyes for like a minute maximum, but as soon as I closed them I instantly drifted off until I felt someone gently shake my shoulder.