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81- Nightmares

My sleep was not the problem, for the first time in a while, I fell asleep quite quickly with nothing eating at me. It wasn't anything I did that woke me up. Rather the sleeping werewolf on the armchair on the other side of the room.

"Lumos."

The light that left my wand was enough to let me see through the darkness of the room, his features screwed up on something that I could only describe as pain. Instinctively I wanted to stop it. I got up quickly, almost lunged towards him, eager to take care of him, eager to take away his pain, put it in me if I had to, I'd take it all for him.

His sleep was disturbed by something I didn't know and I was afraid he wouldn't tell me when he woke either, that there was too much distance between us now. It felt wrong to even touch him. Like he was too vulnerable. I wasn't used to seeing Remus not strong, maybe he never showed his weakness to me but he was the strongest person I had known, so strong that it tugged at my heart to see him look so small and young.

Young surprisingly, because he was quite a bit older than me and with age came maturity, and where I had always been immature he wasn't. I had never seen him look so small, his hands clutched at the leather of my armchair, his veins protruding, his knuckles white.

But what surprised me most was the tears that slipped from his closed eyes, his jaw was tight and clenched and his brows were knitted together, without stopping myself I crouched down so I was at his level unable to let this go on any longer.

I found myself wiping his tears, he flinched, his eyes still squeezed shut. Protests left his soft lips, his voice cracked and small.

'No, no, no.' He chanted like a prayer, his nails digging deeper into the plush of the leather.

"Remus."

"Stop."

"Remus."

"You're not here." He hissed, more tears slipping down his face and I physically winced, almost flinched back away from him but I stopped myself.

I moved my hand to shake his arm, force him awake, prove to him that I was there, there in the flesh and that he was okay. That we'd be okay somehow.

"Remus, hey.. come on."

I pushed his hair back, the strands that were long enough to fall in his face stuck to his forehead from the sweat. Slowly he opened his eyes, I tried my best to comfort him with a smile. I didn't know how convincing it would be anymore. He once told me that all I had to do was smile and all his problems would go away, now I wasn't so sure. Now I felt like I wasn't right for this, like I wasn't the right person to help, that he would have needed someone else.

"You're.. you're okay.." I tried, slowly retracting my hand but his reflexes were fast and his hand held my wrist in place.

"Are you.. here?"

My heart had sunk to my stomach, I was surprised that I didn't cry myself, my free hand went back up to wipe his tears again, he winced at my touch and I tried not to overthink it. Overthink that my touch alone was giving him pain.

"Yes." I answered flatly and I hated how thin my voiced sounded, so robotic that I wanted to slap myself. I was never good at this emotional thing.

"Yes I'm here." I tried again, this time trying to sound more reassuring though I don't know how much it worked because he still looked physically pained. Almost like the reality hurt more.

He moved his hands away from the chair and cradled my face, immediately I closed my eyes, I don't know what it was but his touch was always different, always massively different to anyone else I had ever met in my life. It felt like a spark had been lit in me, like a fire in my gut, and his warmth always seemed to spread into my skin. I was sure all I did was radiate my coldness into him.