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56- Kahn

It had been three weeks without him, three long hard painful weeks. Everything seemed to remind me of him. It didn't help that Sirius kept speaking about him at work, telling me that he was a state, that I should try and do something, talk to him or something, if not for me, for him.

Blaise was being off with us, it pissed me off that he was such an avid Remus supporter when he knew what he did. I thought if anything, after a while, he wouldn't mind that much that I was with Draco, he was his best friend.

He knew Draco inside out, just like I did, he knew we would never hurt each other.
And it wasn't exactly like we were a couple, we weren't affectionate. We didn't do anything, we didn't act like we were anything, because we weren't. So it wasn't like we were rubbing it in his face, all it was, was sex. Sex that was hidden and kept private, it wouldn't have been obvious that we were fucking if we hadn't told him so I didn't know what his problem was.

I told Draco he was free to see other people, he agreed and told me I was too. It was just an easy thing we had going, it was just.. it felt like at the end of the day, no matter how shit it was, it was fine because I had him, if that made any sort of sense at all.

He had told me something, Draco, that stuck with me. I didn't think his words would have that much effect on me but I don't think I'd ever forget them. I wondered when he got so wise and the more I thought about it I realised actually, Draco had always been good with words, just not openly. And he was so good at reading people. Sometimes it felt like he just saw right through them.

His words were said when we were half asleep mind you, they weren't really said all that deeply or philosophical. But still, something about them struck something in me.

He said that I had always been addicted to something.

First it was proving a point, that I was worthy of being in Slytherin, that I wasn't some bimbo who just got in because of my family, that I did actually have the traits.

Then it was addicted to substances, whether it be drugs or alcohol, anything. The most obvious addiction of course.

Then he said something else that shocked me.
Remus. He said it wasn't right that I couldn't function without him, that I was self destructing. That I sort of, in a way, got addicted to him, needed him to function, and now it was this thing I had with him.
Sex.

He didn't say it to offend me, Merlin he didn't even say it to judge me, he just said it and I realised he was right. I always needed something. Because if I wasn't addicted to anything then I'd be forced to be with myself, and forced to deal with thoughts that I'd prefer to keep hidden away.

I joked and told him he should have been a therapist, he told me that I was mental and we left it at that, he had no idea that it would be weighing on my mind constantly.

I didn't know what the difference was between love and addiction.

Was I in love with Remus? Or had I become addicted?

If I was addicted to him, wasn't he addicted to me? How do you know where to draw the line?

I knew it wasn't healthy that I was so lost without him, but that was just heart break I assumed, not withdrawal.

Me and Remus didn't exactly have a toxic relationship. I mean we fought and we bickered and it wasn't always sunshines and daisies but I wouldn't go as far as saying we were toxic necessarily.

Even his fuck up, I knew deep down that I had forgiven him, that really it was not mine or his fault but hers. It didn't change anything of course, but Remus wasn't toxic, he just wasn't.