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86- Don't Cry

I had asked Remus once, what being in love felt like.

He had explained, so articulately and beautifully, like he always seemed to do, exactly what being in love felt like because I asked him. Just to be certain. Because I felt like my idea of love was tainted, and I didn't believe it when people said that you just knew because how could you know feelings you've never had before?

Nobody had told me what being in love meant.
No one had told me what it felt like and I had nobody in my life to go by. My parents.. I was sure they were in love but if that was what love was, I didn't want it.

I just needed to know.

I needed to know that whatever this was.. this feeling, this underlying aching, and longing, that it was that.

"When your heart starts skipping.. body quite literally reacts, yearns, leans towards them. Like.. you're afraid that if you stop looking at them they'll disappear.. and you can't think of anything worse than that so you will your eyes to stay open.. pray that you never blink again."

I let him carry on.

He had a way with words Remus.

In a way that I envied so much.

He put them together so beautifully, so elegant and flowing, passion behind them, but not too much that it was overpowering.

"And there's this aching desire.. that goes beyond just lust, to just.."

"Just..?"

"Know every part of them, worship their body, treasure it in your own.. and no one else will compare to it, that chase, that high, that feeling afterward.. that just goes beyond sex.." He exhaled slowly, all of a sudden looking vulnerable. "Indescribable." He breathed out.

It was feeling sick at the thought of them with someone else. Feeling literally ill when you thought about somebody's else's hands over them, roaming their body, somewhere that was was supposed to be yours.

More than that it was an instinctive, primal, urge to protect. Against anyone who would cause harm whether it be physical or emotional.

I had known that feeling because I had felt that rage, that anger when I had seen Fenrir Greyback for the first time.

So it was no surprise Remus would feel the same. I expected his reaction. Expected his fist to clench and his jaw to tighten. I expected him to try and restrain himself from spewing out strings of poisonous curses.

"Calm down." I tried calmly, though in retrospect it was probably not the right thing to say because he was calm. I mean he was seething with anger but it was all very well hidden under his calm composure.

The thing with Remus' anger was it would bubble up. He'd press it down, put on a calm front. It'd bubble up again. He'd press it down. See I on the other hand, was never able to press it down. Mine always managed to break through the surface but Remus was hard on himself, he pushed it down further and further until he would snap. And then when he'd snap, it would be worse than I'd ever seen.

"Don't tell me to calm down, have you any idea what you just told me?" He seethed, rubbing at his jaw after he pulled a shirt over his head.

I hated that none of this was easy.

I hated myself more than anyone.