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27- Moony

I still had nightmares and panic attacks every night, but they slowly started to lessen, because I started taking pills every night before I went to sleep. Sometimes I got them off Adrian, sometimes off some random person in Hogwarts who I knew would be selling something.

I didn't know if I liked the person that I was whenever I was high. It was fun whilst it lasted, but after the highs the lows hit hard.
I was used to pretending to be sober when I wasn't, I had trained myself, no one really noticed.

Blaise and Draco did, but they thought that I had it under control and I did, I did have it under control. I just didn't want to stop. I didn't want to think about the state of my life.
It was falling apart and the most annoying part of it all was that a huge part of my brain was mostly affected by Lupin's rejection.
In a way I was grateful that he didn't just outwardly reject me, I don't think my pride or ego would have been able to handle it.
Another part of me just wished he did. It was  exhausting second guessing all the time.

"You know that I do."

"I'll protect you."

The blanket, the wand, the book.

"I don't care what you do."

"Be a normal student."

"Let me stop you before you say something you regret."

It was constantly on my mind, the same way my father's words were constantly on my mind.
They were always there and the drugs seemed to numb them for a while, but they came back.
Haunting me.

The rest of the week passed by quickly and I was determined to find out what the potion was that Snape had given to me that day I passed out in his office. The drugs I were using weren't sufficient. I needed what he gave me. It was instant relief.

I was sat in the Great Hall, Draco and Blaise were in their dorm or the common room I wasn't sure and I had lost track of time. I was busy scanning through a potions textbook frantically trying to find out how to make it.

"What're you still doing here?"

I jumped at the sound and looked to see Lupin, slowly sitting down on the bench opposite me.

"Sorry." He said smiling slightly and I ignored his presence focusing back on the textbook.
I needed to find it, I needed to make it as soon as possible, I was starting to become sleep deprived.

"It's almost curfew."

"I turned into a prefect yesterday didn't you know?" I said not looking up from the book.

He chuckled and reached out to move it away from me, snapping it shut.

"You need to go to your common room."

I didn't look at him, I was still angry at how he was acting.

"You can stop acting nice to me, I've made a decision. I don't like you." I said bluntly and he looked kind of amused.

"It's not funny, you threatened to call my parents just because I didn't give you a note, that's so harsh, especially since you.."

He sighed and closed his eyes, rubbing his face.

"I know, I'm sorry, it was too far, I was just angry it's just.. you just, you just don't listen."

"I did listen. I listened to exactly what you said, I went and did what you told me."

"I was worried about you, whatever you were on, it wasn't safe. You weren't in the right state of mind anything could have happened, don't you understand? Anything."