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70- Alone Again

Oh my god. What are we doing? What have I done? Don't pull away. Let me remember it for a while before you go again then you can punish me all you want.

As much as I didn't want him to, he pulled back with the expression on his face that was expected but made my heart sink to my stomach.

Instant regret.

I didn't kiss you.
You kissed me.

"What have I done?" He whispered in utter shock, not to me but to himself.

I didn't have it in me to respond to him, I was processing what had just happened myself.
He was still pressed up against me, but his head hung low as he closed his eyes and shook his head, muttering, repeating 'no' again and again to nobody but himself.

Move away then. Move off me. Move your body off of mine and let me go then.
If you regret it this much.

I was frozen in place I didn't know what to do. I couldn't exactly move anyway, he was holding my body pressed against the wall with his own.
I could have shoved him off, but I couldn't think of anything worse than that.
It would be over soon anyway. He would go back to her. I didn't have the heart to speed up the process.

What do I do? What am I supposed to say?
I kissed a married man. Married. Imagine if this was you. Imagine if you were her. You should have known better too. You should push him off you. Slap him. Move him away. He kissed you first, technically it's not your fault yet. If you carry on it will be.
For once, don't be a dickhead.
Do the right thing.

"Did it feel the same?" I asked, my voice merely a whisper.

I had to know it felt the same to him too. Like nothing had changed. If it didn't, I would go, I would leave forever, I would never ever speak to him again I would let him go
If it did..

His eyes snapped up to meet mine, he placed his hand almost innocently on my cheek, stroking it gently.
Slowly he nodded.
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

What does this mean then?
Tell me what it means.
Clarify it like you always do.
Tell me what to do.

"What have I done?" He asked again, this time desperately searching my eyes, pleading for some sort of answer.

What could I tell him?
He had done a horrible horrible thing.
A thing Remus Lupin would never do.
The Remus I knew anyway.
I was corrupting him.
He was acting in ways he would never do and it was because of me.
Merlin we were so bad for each other.

I tensed and gulped, my throat dry and bare. I shook my head slightly as he chest started to move inches back away from mine. The warmth of him leaving me. My body slid down slightly so I was at my usual height, his warmth completely dissipated, all that was left was the cold hard wall behind me.

I physically stopped myself from reaching out for him. I kept my arms glued to my side, forced my eyes not to water. He shook his head again and again. Wiped his mouth, let his fingers linger on his lips.

He shook his head again and again.
Regret, so much regret that it filled his core and poured out of him.
He was in shock of his own self.

Please.

"I have to go."

And then his back was to me. His tall, toned back, stretched by his arms as they raised to the sides of his temples, his head to the sky as he walked away and left me there.